Off The Bawl - 27 March

Tam Cowan and Stuart Cosgrove

Greeeeeetings!!! Our special guest on Saturday's show was Dionne Warwick. Well, not quite. But the legendary soul singer did play a big part in the programme thanks to regular listener Peter in Caithness.

"Why did Dionne once curse Glasgow Corporation?" he asked a baffled nation. Even a totally bemused Cosgrove didn't know.

Turns out, as Peter later revealed, Whitney Houston's auntie was knocked down by a trolley-bus on Gorbals Street in the 1960s!

In a really strange edition of the show, we also shared a few scientific jokes in Latin (the sort of gags that even Professor Stephen Hawking would struggle to understand).

And, in the company of Scottish stand-up Scott Agnew and the actor Gavin Mitchell (best known as Boaby the barman from Still Game), we saluted the best ever "a guy walks into a bar..." funnies.

We also looked at Peter Lawwell v The Gang Of Ten and our team of the week (in tribute to John Beattie who says he's leaving his brain to medical science to study the effects of a career in rugby... not to mention working with Annie McGuire!) was The Human Body XI.

Here's another selection of the most petty and ill-informed texts and emails on radio...


A guy walks into a bar and drinks ten pints of lager and then asks the barman if he sells shorts. "Of course," says the barman. "Great," says the bloke. "Gonnae gie us a pair, cos I've just peed myself..." (Ian Neil)

A guy walks into a bar and says: "Can I have a packet of helicopter flavour crisps?" The barman says: "Sorry, we've only got plane." (Connor in Aberdeen)

A bloke's enjoying a pint of bitter in the pub when a woman comes up to the table, puts her bum over his glass and breaks wind. She then walks away and stands at the bar. The fella goes up to her and says: "You fart in my Whitbread?" And she replies: "No, I'm Tessa Sanderson." (Scotty)

A sandwich walks into a bar and the barman says: "Sorry, mate, we don't serve food." (Adam, Orkney)

A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head. "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?" asks the barman. "Cos a boiled egg would roll off," he replies. (Jack in Cambuslang)

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jump leads round his neck. The barman says: "I hope you're not going to start anything..." (Duncan MacNiven)

A penguin walks into a bar and says: "Have you seen my brother?" The barman says: "I dunno... what does he look like?" (Gillian in Stewarton)

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the barman says: "Why the long face?" (Stuart in Glasgow)

A man walks into a bar owned by horses and the horse behind the bar says: "Why the short face?" (Connor Doherty)

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar and the barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?" (Kevin in Newlands)

A man walks into a bar and asks the barmaid for a double entendre. So she gives him one. (Andy)

A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says: "A pint of lager.................... and a packet of nuts." The barman says: "Why the big pause?" And the bear says: "So I can catch lots of salmon." (Stewart fae Aberdeen)

Two oranges walk into a bar and one says to the other: "You're round..." (Steven in Balloch)

A man walks into a bar in Larkhall and speaks Latin. The funeral is next Tuesday. (Gavin Craw)


Two consonants go into a bar... (Norman in Tranent)

A neutron walks into a bar and asks: "How much for a pint?" And the barman says: "For you, no charge." (Jim in Glasgow)

Silver and bronze are sitting at the bar when gold walks in. They both shout across: "A U!" (Colin Currie, Aberdeen)

And the barman says: "We don't serve neutrinos in here." A neutrino walks into a bar. (Iain in Edinburgh)

(As Liam Paterson emailed to explain: "That reference may have been due to the results from the Large Hadron Collider. Reports suggested that time travel was possible due to "sub-atomic particles" arriving before they were expected.")

A man walks into a bar and says to the barmaid: "Can I have a Martinum please?" The barman looks at him askance and says: "I think you mean a Martini, sir?" And the man replies: "If I wanted a double I'd have asked for one!" (John Finlay in London)

(This provoked Andy Peterson to email: "I think your Latin pedant needs to check his textbooks. He says that Martini is the plural of Martinum. This is wrong. Martini would be a masculine plural as plurals ending in "i", almost without exception, are masculine. The masculine singular of Martini would be Martinus as a masculine singular ends in "us". If the singular was Martinum, the plural would be Martina. Great show as ever...)

Well it was, Andy...until you spoiled it! In fairness, folks, you don't get calls like that on Real Radio!


The Human Body XI

President: Sepp Bladder

Manager: Arsene Wenger

Assistant: Ruud Gullet

Match referee: Willie Colon

1/ Dusan Penis

2/ Oesophagus McPherson

3/ Metatarsol Campbell

4/ Belly Stark

5/ Tommy Ring (c)

6/ Nicky Butt

7/ George Breast

8/ Gavin Skeleton

9/ Toe-Knee Cascarino

10/ Eugene Diddy

11/ Aiden McHeidy

Subs: Freddie Lungberg, Alan Ball, Elbowbo Balde, Jose Quitongue, Derriere Ferguson


Arab Ali in Dundee said: "The 10 majority teams should ignore the two tarts who keep hitching their skirts up at England and clearly don't care about Scottish football. A new league should be set up by the ten - negotiate a new TV deal or arrange a pay-per-view channel with an even spread of the money. Set a maximum price of £15 at the gates and start to build up the attendances again. Might take a bit of a hit in the first couple of years but, in the long run, the rest will be stronger with real competition and genuine excitement for the fans."

Scott in Kinross said: "How can 10 clubs out of 12 be described as rebels? It's clearly the majority! And why even bother listening to anything Peter Lawwell says? Remember, this is the man who gave Bobo Balde a four-year rolling contract. The man who let his managers sign Roy Keane, Thomas Graveson, Freddie Ljungberg, etc, etc."

Ross from Elgin said: "I'm a Celtic supporter, but I'm struggling to support them due to the attitudes of both Peter Lawwell and Neil Lennon. Does Lawwell honestly believe that Celtic can support themselves financially without Rangers? At the moment, we charge £40-plus for Old Firm derbies. Are we going to charge the same sort of money for games against Hearts and Dundee Utd? If he's going to brag about our financial situation, maybe he should pass some of the profits onto the fans and stop constantly ripping us off. As for Neil Lennon, he needs to stop moaning about a lack of credit and a referee costing Celtic the Treble. That's nonsense!"


The song that played us out? Well, now that he's back in Scotland and training with St.Johnstone, we received a request from the nation's pub and club doormen who said: "As a message to Derek Riordan, how about the Dave Edmunds' classic I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In...?"

To join in the fun on this Saturday's show, call 0500 929500, text 80295 or email

Listen to the most recent Off the Ball programmes.

Download the latest Off the Ball podcast.

Top Stories