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By Mya Dainty

PANTS! by Mya Dainty

Read by Kenny Blyth from the BBC Radio Drama Company.

Have you ever thought about something that lives in such terrible conditions? Something that lives in horror and disgust? Well, pants are probably the most ill-treated product in the universe!

At house number two, Holly Branch Drive, lived Frilly. She was a beautiful and frilly pair of pants. Frilly hated being worn in such an utterly disgusting place. Sometimes she would cry to sleep that no one had seen her frilly frills. Frilly wanted to be loved like the new fluffy jumper or the fancy little hat. "I'm sick of this!" She would shout. Soon, she formed the RSPCP.

The RSPCP was the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pants. Knickers from all over the house came to the meeting held in the pants drawer. Along came Boxer, Y-front, Granny, Long-John and many more. Even Stinky Sam, the toddlers training pants came! "We should be treated like the other clothes, like Kings and Queens!", announced Frilly, who was the leader. "We are treated like rubbish!" boomed Boxer. "Too right you are!" shouted Stinky Sam. Frilly said, "Yes, and that's why we're going to cover ourselves in itching powder!".

All skipping back to their drawers with a pinch of itching powder, the pants sprinkled each other, as they all wanted to take part in the grand plan. The very next day the humans were itching their bottoms like mad! Throwing off the itchy pants, they were thrown into the washing machine. "Oh Pants!" cried Granny. A long series of groans came from inside the spinning ride and Sam moaned, "It's not fair!"

The second RSPCP meeting was held in the spare bedroom. "As the plan with the itching powder didn't work, I thought we should actually talk to the humans, pants to face," said Frilly.

The pants all laughed. "They won't understand!" grumbled Granny. "They'll put us in the wash!" bellowed Boxer. Shouts came from the unhappy underwear. Sighing, Frilly was left feeling defeated but still determined she could win this battle. She would not give up yet!
That evening Frilly crept out of the pants drawer as the others were settling down for bed. She made her way down the carpeted staircase reaching the polished tiles. "Whoa!" Frilly said, as she slipped over. She entered the dining room and could see the family of five eating their dinner. "Excuse me." Frilly politely said. Mother, Father, the twin toddlers and the older sister carried on eating. "EXCUSE ME!" she shouted at the top of her squeaky pant voice.
Frightened and confused at the tiny pair of shouting knickers, their eyes popped out of their heads. The toddlers started to wail. "Oh Mummy!" cried the big sister. The two terrified adults grabbed the screaming twins and pushed the big sister out. The slamming of car doors and the screech of tyres could be heard as they speed off into the distance.

As for the pants, they lived in luxury and delight, never having to see a naked bottom ever again!

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