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What Self-Service Checkouts Really Think


>>Thank you for using auto checkout.

>>Will you be needing a carrier bag?

>>You have requested 1 carrier bag. Despite the fact you have a cupboard full of bags-for-life under your kitchen sink.

>>OK, let's get you checked out. Please scan your first item.

>>Please scan your first item.

>>PLEASE SCAN… oh for goodness sake, look, it’s on the side. There. No, there!


>>Please place your HAEMORRHOID CREAM in the bagging area.

>>I’m sorry. Was I shouting?

>>Please scan your next item.


>>Please place your low fibre, high saturated fat crisps in the bagging area. That explains the HAEMORRHOID CREAM.

>>Please scan your next item.


>>That’s a lot of WINE.


>>Have you not read the new health guidelines?


>>Unexpected item in the bagging area.

>>Your item is unexpected because it is guacamole. I did not have you down as a guacamole-eater.

>>Have you finished?

>>You have pressed Yes. You have forgotten the tea bags, which is what you came in here for, but it’s too late now.


>>Do you have a loyalty card?>

>>That is the WRONG loyalty card. This implies your loyalty is in doubt.

>>Please insert your card and enter your PIN.

>>No, the PIN for this card.

>>Thank you.

>>Please remove your card and pick up your bag. Its handles will get disconcertingly longer when you are half way across the car park.

>>Thank you for using auto checkout. Have a great day.

>>Well really. There’s no need for that.

Listen to Ian Marchant's documenary Self-Service Nation.