Fun ways to prepare for the end of the world
War. Technology. The weather. Let’s face it, something, anything is going to finish us all off, potentially before I reach the end of this sentence. So what can you do to ready yourself for the inevitable global calamity and ensuing chaos that may be only a Trump tweet away?
Firstly, we recommend listening to Radio 4's new informative comedy Preppers and then follow these easy and highly helpful steps.
AMASS JARS OF URINE
The second that you decide that a global catastrophe is on the horizon (or what’s left of the horizon after the global catastrophe) and you need to ready yourself for an emergency, you must immediately begin to acquire empty receptacles and then fill them with your own urine.
Bottles, jars and bags for life will do. These can then be housed in a garage, shed or attic space. No one quite knows why you need to do this, but every single Prepper has a healthy store of tinkle at their fingertips, so the eventual purpose will surely be revealed when the time comes.
As well as wee-wee, we strongly advise you to hoard and hoard well. Not just useful stuff like food and armaments, but everything. Old newspapers, plastic bags, food packaging, those bits of soap you end up with, acorns, bits of string. Everything.
After the cataclysm that will become known as The Endening, who knows what our new societies will use as currency.
Yes, it may well be petrol, water or animal hides. But there’s also a good chance it could be that teetering pile of old Thomson Locals you have in the loft and if you don’t have enough of them, you’ll soon be living out in the woods like a common squirrel.
DISTANCE YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY FROM EVERYONE
Friends, family and well-wishers will all become damaging impediments when we enter the new epoch that will be known as The Scorching. Who knows who you might have to fight/flee/eat when the big one goes down.
There will be no place for emotions such as decency, friendliness and hugging in our new civilisation, so best to start practising for that now by being surly, aloof and generally miserable to everyone you come across.
Remember that old Prepper adage: "Keep your friends far away and your enemies nowhere."
Are you a prepper?
Time is running out and the Armageddon is coming!
WRITE IN CAPITAL LETTERS
There is no time for misrepresentation or nuance in this new apocalyptic regime that will become known as Phase Desperateness. All communication must be fast, loud and precise. That’s why it’s imperative that you write all online missives and messages in capital letters.
Let’s say you post on a Prepper messageboard, "The end times are coming." All seems very reasonable, if not very impactful. But if you post "THE END TIMES ARE COMING!!!!" – now you’ve got people’s attention. You’ve gone from a calm, rational correspondent to THE TRUTH-SAYING MAVERICK YOU REALLY ARE!!!
BUY AN AIR HORN
We don’t know when it will happen or how it will begin – but rest assured we do know that the end of the world, hastening in an era that will become known as The Stumpening, will happen fast. And you can’t spell "Prepper" without "prepare".
Yes, you might be ready to flee to your bunker (oh yes, you might also want to build a bunker) at a moment’s notice, but what about those around you? Make sure they are on high alert at all times by purchasing and exercising a loud air-horn throughout the day and night. Just when it appears that they have slipped into a moment of solace, a blast of your horn at close range will snap them back into position.
Remember: "Don’t be forlorn, give them the horn."
LEARN INTERPRETIVE DANCE
Every expert agrees that the second that civilised society collapses, thus ushering in a period known as the Days of Charring, all conventional language will be abandoned. It just makes sense. And if you want to be head of the tribe, you’ll need to stake your case effectively and almost certainly through the medium of interpretive dance.
If you learn the basics such as "I know where there’s clean water", "I will barter this flannel for your pick-and-mix" or "look out, the Chuds are coming" in dance form, and you might just survive the night.
PICK A NATIONAL ANTHEM
Once the "major unexpected event" occurs, you don’t want to be spending ages deciding on a new national anthem for your post-apocalyptic, heavily-singed society. Spend a few hours now (an era that will be known as "The Times of Light and Liquid") to pick a suitable song.
Tracks that are not allowed, due to obviousness, include 99 Red Balloons by Nena, The Final Countdown by Europe and It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by REM. Extra points for anything from the Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome soundtrack.