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The Right Royal Rumpus

by Eliza Youdan, aged 12

The Right Royal Rumpus

Read by Neet Mohan from the BBC Radio Drama Company.

"Your mission should you choose to accept it is to locate the whereabouts of Her Majesty …" BANG!!! The message instantly self-destructed, but Agent 0099 had heard enough. The Queen was missing and it was his mission to rescue her.

Agent 0099 was surprised; after the hullaballoo in Peru he wasn’t expecting a proper mission. Here was his chance to make amends. No time to lose, he raced to the palace.

By the time he reached the Queen’s chambers, he had knocked over two Beefeaters, one priceless Ming vase, three maids and two corgis!!! The palace was spinning!!! It was reminiscent of the monstrous mess by Loch Ness.

After thoroughly searching the Queen’s chambers he found Prince Phillip in the drawing room. Agent 0099 wasn’t sure of the correct protocol for a situation as sensitive as this; he did a clumsy curtsy.

“Your Highness, when did you last see her?”

“Oh well, Camilla took her for walkies, oh how they do love that! Then the butler took her for a bath while the maid prepared her food. Oh agent 0099 you must find her it’s a matter of national importance….. I will be in terrible trouble if we don’t get Maj back.”

Agent 0099 was determined it would not end up like the scandal in Uganda.

The butler was in the kitchen buttering crumpets for Prince Charles.

“Tell me what you know,” said agent 0099 in his best secret service voice.

“Oh well, when they returned I ran her a bath, but when I returned to towel dry her she had disappeared, gone. I thought she was hungry and had gone to find the maid.”

Agent 0099 raised an eyebrow at this but continued, “ Have you seen the maid since?”

“Maggie will be sobbing somewhere, she takes things to heart very easily."

After much searching he found Maggie blubbing in the broom cupboard.

“W-who are y-you?" she sobbed.

“If I tell you, I may have to kill you!!“ He chuckled at his own joke. Maggie didn’t find it funny (he should have learnt after his lark in Denmark, and as for that one-liner in China… )

“D-Don’t k-kill me I didn’t e-even feed her, she will be starving, poor thing.” Eventually Maggie calmed down and suggested he try the gardens.

He started with a thorough search of the flowerbeds. This didn’t unearth any clues to the Queen’s whereabouts, but did unearth the tulips, daffodils and roses. Dispirited, he sat down next to a pile of compost, with his head in his hands. It was redolent of the stinker in Helsinki. From nowhere, a little corgi appeared. He stroked her head, sighed and asked the dog why he had accepted this mission? The dog nuzzled him affectionately.

Suddenly there was a scream and the Queen ran out, “ Oh, Agent 0099, you have found my Majesty.” She scooped up the corgi. “You will be highly rewarded!!"

"Golly!” she exclaimed, observing the right royal rumpus, “Summon the secret service, it seems I have been burgled!!!!”

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