Photographs of tearful and bewildered German football fans are abundant in the papers, but sympathy is in short supply.
"Gott im Himmel!" crows a delighted Daily Mail, adding "in Britain, there's not a dry eye in the house!"
"Don't mention the score..." quips the Independent, channelling Basil Fawlty.
The Sun's newspaper's headline asks: "What's the German for Schadenfreude?"
The Daily Telegraph admits that it's cruel to revel in the misfortune of others. But it says England's World Cup anguish at German hands is stitched in history "like a black thread" - and for once all that accumulated misery switched sides.
'The softest of soft Brexits'
Tony Blair's call for Brexit to be delayed has sparked "fury", according to the Daily Express, which calls his comments "highly inflammatory".
The Daily Telegraph calls him "the meddlesome Mr Blair", and says he should use his influence in Brussels to defend his country's interests, not undermine them.
Business Secretary Greg Clark gets roughed up by the Sun for - as it sees it - pursuing "the softest of soft Brexits".
It accuses him of tugging his forelock to big businesses that have done very well out of the EU for years.
The Sun tells the prime minister it's time she "backed Brexit voters over corporate doom-mongers".
The Guardian says Mrs May will seek to "paper over the cracks" in her warring cabinet when she updates EU leaders at their summit in Brussels.
But it expects the remaining 27 to ratchet up the pressure on Britain.
The Times says Downing Street has been forced to rebuke Chief Secretary to the Treasury Liz Truss for publicly mocking Michael Gove and criticising key policies in the latest outbreak of cabinet infighting.
In the Sun's view, Mrs May is desperately fighting "to regain authority" after an outbreak of "mayhem" among ministers.
The New Statesman is hearing increased mutterings from Tory MPs who think Mrs May could solve her problems with a radical cabinet clear-out.
They trace the collapse of discipline afflicting the government to her failure to carry out a sweeping reshuffle last January.
In the Times cartoon, the prime minister wrestles unsuccessfully with a deckchair marked "Brexit", becomes trapped inside it, and gives up the fight, declaring "nailed it".
The Daily Express has a front page photograph of a woman wearing a gas mask as she returns from the shops in Greater Manchester through smoke from the fires near Saddleworth Moor.
The decision to call in the Army to fight the blaze is the main story for the Daily Mirror.
The Sun's headline calls it: "ArMOORgeddon"
According to the Times, Chinese railway companies are the frontrunners to operate the trains on the new HS2 high-speed line.
Sources have told the paper that China is on course to win because rival British-led bidders are "beset by crises and unwilling to take on the financial risk".
'A hostile power'
According to the Times, Britain fears that President Trump will undermine Nato by striking a "peace deal" with President Putin at their summit next month.
Cabinet ministers, it says, are worried that Mr Trump may be persuaded to downgrade US military commitments in Europe and even cancel military exercises, replicating his agreement with Kim Jong-un of North Korea.
Writing in the Guardian, Martin Kettle says Europeans must ask themselves the question: "Has Trump's US become a hostile power?"
In an interview with the Financial Times, the Greek prime minister, Alexis Tsipras, says he is ready to strike a deal with Angela Merkel to make it easier for Germany to send asylum seekers back to other European countries.
The FT says such an agreement would be an important boost for Mrs Merkel, who is under intense pressure from her coalition partners to speed up return procedures for migrants already registered in other EU countries.
'Prince of profligacy'
The Prince of Wales is attacked as "the prince of profligacy" in the Daily Mail which, along with the other papers, has been going through the Royal Family's accounts.
It takes issue with the prince's £1m bill for travel last year - more than a third of it spent on chartering an RAF plane to visit Singapore, Malaysia, Brunei and India last autumn.
A Clarence House official tells the Mail that the prince's travel arrangements are not about "being grand" but about security, efficiency and value for money.
The Daily Express loyally declares that the Royal Family are worth every penny we spend on them and Buckingham Palace.
But the Daily Mirror warns the royals not to dig too deeply into the public's pocket.
The collapse in profits at John Lewis is the main story for the Financial Times.
It says the company's difficulties prove that a stalwart of the High Street is not immune to the pain afflicting the retail sector.
The Daily Telegraph wonders if the middle classes are "falling out of love" with John Lewis.
Saving money is in vogue in the heartlands of Britain, it says, and serving Lidl lobster is now classier than tea-smoked salmon from Waitrose.
The Daily Mirror, and others, report that police have given up their search for the so-called "Putney Pusher" - a middle-aged jogger who was filmed shoving a woman pedestrian into the path of a bus on Putney Bridge.
The incident, in May last year, caused an outcry but, having eliminated 50 possible suspects, detectives say all lines of enquiry have been exhausted.
Grease is the word for scientists who have peered into the cold, dark emptiness of interstellar space and discovered it is permeated with a fine mist of oily molecules.
The study is reported in the Guardian, which says it provides the most precise estimate yet of the amount of "space grease" in the Milky Way.
The Australian-Turkish researchers discovered more gloop than expected: enough for 40 trillion trillion trillion packs of butter.