What dying taught me
What dying taught me
EMMANUEL BOTCHWAY: So as soon as I'd gone into arrest, I'm just lying on top of my body. So I could see myself. I could see the nurses and the people around me. And my mum was there. CHARLOTTE FANTELLI: And I just remember the drug hitting my chest and all I just remember is this beep beep beep beep going beeeeeeep… and looking over my shoulder, and just watching that machine that was going so fast just going in this absolute straight line. PAUL SCATES: I'm on the floor and it was excruciating agony. Now what I now know is I knocked myself out and it was a deadly silence. CAPTION: What Dying Taught Me CHARLOTTE FANTELLI: I'm Charlotte Fantelli. I’m a wife and a mum. I own a production company and on two occasions I watched my own heart being stopped. PAUL SCATES: I'm Paul Scates, I'm alive and well but I did kill myself and it's from there that I learned to live again. EMMANUEL BOTCHWAY: Hi, my name's Emmanuel Francis Botchway. I'm 41 years old, I'm from Croydon, Surrey. Sickle cell is a blood disorder that I have. Our cellular structure for blood cells are usually circular, however whenever there's infection or stress the blood cells change from a circular shape into a half-crescent, half-moon or like a sickle shape. My childhood has been the best a young man could have, I was never made to feel different. CHARLOTTE FANTELLI: Four years ago I was travelling, making films and pursuing the career I loved and one Saturday morning I woke up and very quickly realised I really, really wasn't very well. And the doctor came out, and my resting heartrate was 186. We went through two years of not knowing whether I was going to live or die. In fact I remember there was a two week period where we were more convinced that I was going to die. PAUL SCATES: From what I get from my parents is that I was a very happy child and it all then just changed the day that the abuse started. So that child was then stolen and died. I was abused from the age of eight - that's a long time to be in torture. And that's what I couldn't get people to understand. Why would you live in misery? EMMANUEL BOTCHWAY: I was rushed into hospital after a swimming gala. I actually had what we call a chest crisis where I basically stopped breathing. So as soon as I'd gone into arrest, the first thing that I remember, it is no word of a joke, I'm just lying on top of my body so I could see myself. I could see the nurses and the people around me. And my mum was there. I just remember flying around over my body and following my body from a bird's eye view, going into the lift and then following my body back on the bed going into ICU. CHARLOTTE FANTELLI: I was rushed into hospital. The doctor came in and said, "We're going to have to take you into resus. I just have to let you know this is going to hurt like hell." And they injected me with this drug, literally down this vein, holding my arm up in the air so it goes straight to my heart... And I just remember the drug hitting my chest and I remember the beep beep beep behind me and my heart was going so fast and all I just remember is this beep beep beep beep going beeeeeeep… and looking over my shoulder and just watching myself flatline and just watching that machine that was going so fast just going in this absolute straight line. PAUL SCATES: So I remember on the day that I decided, "That's it." I was in this tunnel vision that nobody was in my head apart from, I've got to die. I remember waking up in a hospital bed, I always remember this old boy who was sadly on his way out through cancer and he said, "Don't waste it." CHARLOTTE FANTELLI: The biggest fear I had was that my little boy was going to grow up without a mum. So this is the letter I wrote when I didn't think I would be coming back. It is so hard to know where to start a letter to impart my wisdom and convey my love. I had hoped for a whole lifetime to do that. Your courage, your kindness and your enthusiasm for life fills me with so much joy. Don't ever change that. Life may be tough at times, but every day is a gift. So if I can teach you anything, jump into life with both feet. I love you bigger than the sky and twice as wide. If you have babies, hug them every chance you get. Watch the nightlight twinkle in their eyes, as I did yours, and never be in too much of a hurry to let those precious days of their childhood pass you by. And know, wherever I am, I have been blessed because I was lucky enough to call you my son. NORMAN SCATES: It was just devastating, destroying. To try and pull him through it has been horrendous. PAUL SCATES: Because I've been through all this I want to live now, I don't want to sit in this hole because what have I got to lose? Nothing. My life now is completely different because it's a privilege to sit in people's lives. It's also a privilege to be able to share my wisdom and experience with them and to then see them flourish. If I can just ask that question, "Do you want to die or do you want the pain to stop?" Nine times out of ten, it's "the pain to stop." And I say, "I've been there. I know where you're at. We can do something about this pain." EMMANUEL BOTCHWAY: Since my near-death experience my level of vanity has dropped tremendously. I used to be all about the huge, bulking muscles, big chest, six packs. The body is only a vehicle for the spirit. You know, I know that I'm here for a purpose and I have to fulfil my purpose. God's not done with me yet. CHARLOTTE FANTELLI: I had lived my life chasing a feeling of wanting to be good enough. That experience really, really taught me in the eyes of my husband and the eyes of my son, I already was. I was very busy chasing tomorrow whereas now I very much appreciate today. PAUL SCATES: The man upstairs does not want me to go, I need to learn to live. EMMANUEL BOTCHWAY: I'll tell you something, I don't fear death. I don’t fear death at all. CHARLOTTE FANTELLI: Because if I can face that and not be afraid, then what the hell else is there to fear?
