Once more. Just once more was all it would take, and that would be that. Oh, certainly she was pleasant enough company, very intelligent and quick. And her enthusiasm couldn't be faulted, whether it was fighting off Vervoids, pan-dimensional terrorists, Chronovores or eighteen-foot Chiropterons (bearing in mind her bat-phobia, that was very brave indeed). But why, oh why, did she have to be a petite vegetarian health fanatic who wouldn't drink coffee?
Not that he drank coffee very often, but Mel's list of 'I don't's' was ridiculously long.
Trouble was, she was really rather sweet, inoffensive and, despite having a vocal range that would put Wagner's Valkyries out of work, fun to be around.
Most of the time.
The Doctor's few moments alone were abruptly interrupted when he heard the clackety-clack of Mel's small but powerful white stiletto boots on the TARDIS floor as she came up the corridor towards the console room.
The door was eased open with a noise that sounded like a sigh. The Doctor wasn't sure if that was the air-cushioned hinges or just the TARDIS expressing herself at Mel's arrival at the heart
of the ship.
'I don't want to be a killjoy, Doctor,' she started, but before she could continue he turned to face her with what he hoped was his most pacifying smile.
'Then don't. Say nothing. Enjoy the serenity of the moment, Mel.'
'Doctor,' she replied in the tone of voice that let him know she knew he was joking. Even when he wasn't. 'Doctor, you remember that trip to Australia we did the other day. Week. Whenever?'
The Doctor nodded and breathed slowly. Suddenly, he knew what was coming next, and understood how Marie Antoinette must have felt as they led her to the guillotine.
'And you remember that lovely car we hired? The one you told me you'd taken back to the Gold Coast? The Volkswagen. Green, convertible, big headlights, dent in the offside wing?'
The Doctor tried to look stoic and to say nothing. 'What of it?' came out of his mouth, despite his brain being convinced it had sent no such instruction to his jaw.
'I'm not sure what is worse, actually. The fact that it is parked
in a huge oil-covered TARDIS bedroom. Or the fact that it now has a collapsible roof the same colours as your trousers. Or, indeed, the green sunstrip across the windscreen saying 'The Doc' on the driver's side and 'Companion of the Moment' on the passenger side!'
The Doctor opted to look aghast. Shocked. Bewildered. Confused even. Then he stared up at the ceiling of the console room and shook his fist. 'Naughty TARDIS, I told you to drop it off in Australia. And as for those cosmetic changes... naughty, naughty TARDIS!'
Mel clearly wasn't falling for this. 'Don't blame the TARDIS! I've been around you quite some time now. I know you.' She came up close to him, tiptoeing slightly as she brought her nose level with his chin and looked up into his oh-(not)-so-innocent blue eyes. 'You are a very bad man, Doctor. B. A. D. We must take it back.'
'Oh.' The Doctor pouted at her. 'Must we? Only it is lovely, and
I thought it needed a good tinkering with. I used to be very good with cars. I haven't owned a car in... well, a few bodies' time. And anyway, you did say "I'd love a car like this". I remember.'
'So do I! Only the important phrase was "like this". I didn't say "this one" did I? Did I?'
'No, Mel, you didn't,' the Doctor said with insincere contrition. 'No you didn't. At all.'
'We must go back to Earth then. Take it home.'
'Yes Mel.'
'Now!'
'Yes Mel.'
'That's that decided then.' She reached up, tweaked his nose and walked out.
After a few seconds the Doctor let out a deep breath, pursed
his lips and looked up again at the TARDIS ceiling, half-closing his eyes. 'And you, you useless... whatever. You were supposed to keep the door to Master Bedroom 18 locked. Or reconfigured even, so no one other than me would know there was a door there. Then she wouldn't have found it and you wouldn't be in trouble with her.'
The TARDIS lighting dimmed.
'All right, we wouldn't be in trouble with her.'
They dimmed further. He sighed. 'All right, I wouldn't be in trouble.' The lights returned to normal.
The Doctor shuffled his feet sulkily. 'Peri would have let me keep the car. Grant would've let me keep the car.' He looked at
the door Mel had gone out through and raised his voice a bit. 'Evelyn would've let me keep the car!' Then he smiled. 'Actually, Evelyn would've kept the car herself, put in an automatic chocolate dispenser and a Teasmade! Mmmm... chocolate...'
Mel suddenly bounced back in.
'It's gone!'
'What's gone?'
'The car! The whole room... vanished. Or at least, the door into the room has.'
The Doctor shrugged. 'Perhaps the TARDIS jettisoned that whole sector. Or perhaps the car was never there and you imagined it.'
'You confirmed it was there, Doctor,' said Mel, never one to let a point go missed.
'Schroedinger's Beetle, Mel. If you can't see it, you don't know it's there.'
Mel snorted. 'Nice try. What I do know is that the car isn't at Bertie's Rent-A-Bug just off Pacific Highway 1. And it should be.'
'Right,' the Doctor snapped. 'Right, fine, let's go to Earth. Let's take the car back. And I'll take up another hobby.'
Mel pointed to a white exercise bicycle covered in a dustsheet in the corner. 'That was to be your hobby, if you recall?'
The Doctor shrugged. 'I leave the memory games to you, eidetic Mel.'
She broke into a smile, threw her arms around him and squeezed. 'Oh keep the car then,' she said. 'If it makes you happy, it can't really hurt. But I don't approve of theft Doctor, and you'll pay poor Bertie for his car, OK?'
The Doctor nodded happily. 'Well, let's get it over with.'
'Where are we?'
'Outside Bertie's yard, just south of the Gold Coast, just after midnight local time. We'll leave a cheque under the doormat.'
Mel brightened further. 'Oh, can I sign it?' Recently, on a visit to London in the 1920s, the Doctor had made Mel a cosignatory on his Coutts bank account. She hadn't yet had a chance to flex her new-found power over the Doctor's spending.
The Doctor nodded and opened the TARDIS door. 'Pacific Ocean, here we come,' he announced grandly. He stepped out into the dark.
And was greeted by car horns and brakes screeching, pouring rain and the midday gloom of London's north circular road, just east of Wembley.
