BBC BLOGS - Robbo Robson
« Previous | Main | Next »

Hack to the future!

Post categories:

Robbo Robson | 13:46 UK time, Thursday, 31 December 2009

There's been lots of somewhat meaningless but irresistible waffle about what the best sports event of the Noughties was, hasn't there?

Bolt's brilliance, Federer's dominance, the many conquests of Woods... but for my money you'd have to go a long way to beat the 2005 Ashes. Sport at its best - on a knife-edge, topsy-turvy and the right team winning.

But a new decade begins and my, oh my, what treats we have in store. I've being swilling the dregs at the bottom of me Christmas Ale pint-pot and this is what I foresee:

The World Cup in South Africa 2010 is a bonanza of attacking football as Italy get knocked out early.

New mobile technology allows Robinho to quite literally phone in his performance (his form improves slightly) but Brazil surprisingly make an early exit. ITV's guest pundit Phil Brown goes missing and is discovered naked but still perfectly camouflaged in a crowd of Dutch supporters.
Phil Brown and a Dutch fanSomeone looking particularly orange - and a Dutch fan
England and Holland meet in the final and England are triumphant after the longest penalty shoot-out in tournament history... it takes 42 penalty kicks before someone finally scores. And the man in question, one Emile Heskey, comes home the conquering hero.

Sir Fabio Capello says he's right chuffed but stands down any road. Stuart Pearce takes temporary charge. The appointment's on a full-time basis but somehow you just know it's temporary.

In 2011, Usain Bolt lowers his own 100m record to 9.52 secs and astounds the world by saying he can go quicker still if he stops doing "that silly walking bit at the end. Plus the wellies don't help."

Meanwhile in the Large Hadron Collider at Cern, scientists have isolated the particle that can actually bend or contract time. It is called the Fergie-boson.

Following the winning of his first treble in the club's history, Roberto Mancini is fired as Man City's boss. The chairman explains that the Italian has "let us all down terribly by blowing the Carling Cup".

As Mancini gets into his waiting limousine at Eastlands, Jose Mourinho pops out the other side and announces that City have given him carte blanche to bring in who he wants and he's going to start by buying Valencia. That's the city, not the half-decent right-winger from across town.

In 2012, all attention is focused on the London Olympic Games. It's a roaring success despite the disappointing opening ceremony which features a live performance of Jamie Oliver's jellied eels recipe, Katherine Jenkins singing a Chas 'n' Dave medley and a tedious display of supposedly dangerous driving by Top Gear presenters in bendy buses.

On the track, Usain Bolt wins the 100m in 5.8 secs 'cos he's learnt a short-cut and Tom Daley just pips Didier Drogba to diving gold.

Tony Pulis and James Beattie misread the programme of events and enter the rowing competition. But the best performance by a Brit comes in the cycling when, following a disastrous power cut, Sir Chris Hoy is linked up with the National Grid and single-handedly keeps the lights on in the Olympic Stadium.

2013 sees the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson. New manager Laurent Blanc unveils a celebratory statue in front of the Stretford End - it's a big bronze hairdryer. Hours later the club is sold off by the Glazer family to an internet sportswear billionaire and United fans prepare for life in the Championship. The up side is that at least they'll be able to renew their old rivalry with Liverpool.

The Ashes are retained by England following their handsome victory in 2011. Skipper Alastair Cook holds the little urn aloft and pays tribute to the 10 South Africans who made the victory possible.

In 2014 global warming means that the Winter Olympics in Sochi are abandoned after two speed skaters very nearly drown on the top bend. Organisers decide they need to find a new venue for 2018 and opt for the dark side of the moon. Despite the lack of atmosphere, Wigan Athletic supporters reckon it'll be one hell of an exciting venue. And ski jumpers anticipate a few world records coming up.

Arsene Wenger is sacked by Arsenal after he dismisses the first team's childminder for "giving them too many Haribos and letting them stay up and watch Ice Age 7 (7D) when they had training the next day". New owner Stan Kroenke insists he gave Wenger a P45 but Arsene says he didn't see it.
Brazil win the World Cup on their own patch, defeating Diego Maradona's Argentina in a bad-tempered final. Crowd trouble starts when He of the Divine Hand is sent to sit in the stands and has a pop at Pele.
Maradona and PeleMaradona and Pele -best of buddies
2015: The Formula 1 championship is regained by Ferrari, but there's controversy when tests reveal that their driver - a bloke called C3-D1-X467 - is actually a cyborg. Bernie Ecclestone makes it clear that the result stands and besides, the droid has bags more personality than all the other drivers put together.

Andy Murray wins Wimbledon, beating some 7ft Croatian 7-6 7-6 7-6 in the most tedious final in history. Hurrah.

2016: Rio hosts the Olympics and it's brilliant. Team GB's post 2012 legacy leads to one medal - a highly creditable bronze in the archery by some housewife from Saffron Walden. Huzza!!!

2017: Brooklyn Beckham's fashion football empire continues apace. Manchester United become the first team to compete in the FA Cup Final wearing puff sleeves and embroidered sarongs (and that includes the manager - some Malaysian bloke. Beckham himself scores the winner as United beat the all-conquering Notts County 2-1.

2018: The World Cup arrives and England manager Rafa Benitez pulls a real surprise by naming Kai Rooney in his squad. Kai, the nine-year old face of Gillette, joins all the other really good English players on the bench while Benitez picks some run-of-the-mill naturalised Spaniards to start. Cameroon win the Cup.

2019: Ryan Giggs retires at the age of 107 and is named Sports Personality of the Year. The award is presented to him by that other bastion of fair play and clean living, 2010's World Cup-winning captain and Stamford Bridge's tour guide, John Terry.

And following its purchase by a Martian trillionaire, Middlesbrough FC win their first Premier League title. Manager Stewart Downing is delighted and the inhabitants of Teesside are re-named the Smug Monsters.

In the meantime - a Happy New Year to one and all!!


BBC © 2014 The BBC is not responsible for the content of external sites. Read more.

This page is best viewed in an up-to-date web browser with style sheets (CSS) enabled. While you will be able to view the content of this page in your current browser, you will not be able to get the full visual experience. Please consider upgrading your browser software or enabling style sheets (CSS) if you are able to do so.