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Wild about 'Arry

Robbo Robson | 09:34 UK time, Friday, 14 November 2008

At the risk of making this blog a part-time Harry Redknapp Appreciation Society, it seems clear that the man is an utter miracle-worker.

One Pompey Cup win and I thought that was it for the old boy, but he's arrived at the Lane with the promise that he'll turn things around if Levy gives him the right tools. Now I'm not saying that David Bentley is a right tool, but there's certainly plenty of talent at his disposal and he's making a brilliant job of blending them into the right mix.

Wednesday's 4-2 was achieved with seven changes from the weekend team - and though Liverpool might put forward the excuse they had 10 changes themselves, I'm not sure that's a good enough explanation for their performance.

They were bleeding awful first half and all it proves is that Benitez's squad is about as deep as a Dannii Minogue monologue (is that a real live woman or has she been swiped from a shop window on Oxford Street?)

To be fair, Rafa wasn't making any excuses either. Sounded like he was well miffed at half-time. I wonder what a Rafa rant sounds like... compared to a Fergie hair-dryer it's probably a gentle Castillian breeze.

But there's no chance of Liverpool bagging the Premier League if this is what passes for a second XI. No wonder the old rotational policy is out the window... there's not a lot to rotate to.

Anyway, surely the country is wasting the transformative power of 'Arry. If he can mould a ragtag bunch of sulky slipshod starlets into a dynamic and attractive squad who play for each other and get thrilling results, then just think what he could do for the world at large.
Harry Redknapp
There's a shortage of fish in the world's oceans? Just put 'Arry in your trawler, he'll tell you where to cast your net and you'll come up with two tons of cod in no time.

Is your team still leaking goals at a furious rate 'cos your Hargreavian holding midfielder is as reliable as a sticking plaster on Ledley King? Fear not, let 'Arry's wondrous words stir him from his sickbed and watch him play a full 90 minutes with a bedstead on his back!

Can't swim? Afraid of water? Never mind! Ten minutes with 'Armonius 'Arry and you'll be walking on the bloody stuff.

Seriously, if this ludicrous plan to have a Team GB footie team for 2012 goes ahead then who're you going to put in charge? It's gotta be 'Arry. Not that any of us really want such a thing, do we? For a start just exactly how many non-Englishmen are going to be in it, eh?

Apart from anything else we've already got a major tournament every two years and Olympic football after the European Champs would be like watching John Sergeant after Fred Astaire. Just leave it well alone, man.

Not sure that even a plea from Redknapp could save Didier Drogba from a suspension, mind. He'll have to miss a few games but to be honest I've got a tiny bit of sympathy with him. Some twerp pelted a coin at him so he lobbed it back - the problem is of course, there's not much chance of it arrowing back to the same lunk that threw it.

On the other hand it just shows you how overpaid these players are. Twenty years ago you'd have picked it up and put it in your pocket.

The middle finger was just daft, mind, and suspension is not punishment enough for such blatant abuse of the fans. My grandson's got a whole set of crappity finger puppets and I say the next time Drogba takes the field he should be forced to wear a ducky, a horsey, a piggy, a moo-cow and pussy-cat on the self-same hand for 90 minutes - and do a little show at half-time.

Fact is, there needs to be a bit more humiliation involved in the punishment of football's ne'er-do-wells. Imagine the gelled tumbler taking the field in a snorkel cos he'd been found guilty of an outrageous plummet in a previous fixture... Imagine Wazza sitting in a chair pitchside every 10 minutes while Dick 'n' Dom squirted handsoap into his gob and slooshed it out...

Cos fining them and banning them doesn't seem to stop them from getting away with it all over again.

Not that 'Arry's boys could ever get themselves into such trouble. You get the impression a knighthood might be in the offing even if he doesn't manage Man U.

Of course there's one miracle that even Redknapp might struggle to pull off. If he can get that keeper to catch so much as a cold this season he truly will be divinely empowered. The last time I mentioned Gomes I described the bloke as looking like a Jack Russell trying to catch a Frisbee - but I think that's generous.

Every time he goes up for a cross I'm reminded of me Dad trying to get a suitcase off the top of the wardrobe while standing on a swivel chair. He's entertaining but he's got to go.


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