A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
There's crime stories. And then there's quirky crime stories.
The Daily Telegraph headline gives you a clue that this is a nice, light story about how crime doesn't pay.
"Happiness is... a burglar wasting three days for pouch of tobacco."
The ne'er-do-well spent three nights chiselling away at the wall of Medway Motorcycles in Rochester to make a hole big enough to squeeze into. Finally he breached the 2ft-thick wall. The high performance bikes were to be his. And then he realised he'd forgotten about the alarm.
"One false move towards the bikes would have sent the alarm ringing," the paper reports. "So the thief crept up to the first floor instead, looking for items to steal."
In the end he left with just a packet of rolling tobacco worth £3.
"When I got here the next morning the place was in a right state but all I can see he has nicked is my Golden Virginia," the owner says.
The proprietor's surname is Eastwood. If only he'd caught the burglar in the act.
Imagine the scene, burglar holding the Golden Virginia, Eastwood - first name Jez but we'll gloss over that - reaching for his pretend, concealed .44 Magnum: "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"
It took Paper Monitor a while to work out the happiness allusion of the headline.
A clue - it depends how many TV ads you remember from the 1980s that used Bach's Air on a G string to conjure up plumes of sensuous tobacco smoke. Answers to the usual place.