A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Hardly a day goes by when we are not reminded of our mortality by some study or another informing us that too much of this or that can shorten our lives by, say, a minute a day.
Today we get mixed messages courtesy of the Daily Telegraph. Page eight invokes the former Egg Marketing Board's "go to work on an egg" slogan - only this time the ellipsoidal object is in the firing line.
The headline exhorts readers not to go to work on an egg because of a study warning of risk to the heart. But, hang on, we know eggs contain a high proportion of saturated fat, so the news is what? Well it's actually about the Atkins diet, of which the egg is just one part.
According to a new study, dieters who try to lose weight by eating few carbohydrates and more protein were found to be 28% more likely to suffer a heart attack.
So here's a tip, skip the egg and stay in bed for an extra eight minutes. Further down the page, we learn that having an eight-minute snooze after waking up in the morning is one of the ingredients of a perfect morning.
Ideally this is what we should all aspire to - waking up naturally at 6.27 - preferably with a cup of tea that someone has made for you (so how does that person get to have a perfect morning, since they already have to be up waiting on you - but perhaps you have to take it in turns), a brief snooze, a nine-minute shower, and a bowl of cereal while watching reading a paper or watching the news.
Note that while all this perfect-ness is going on in households up and down the country, with people exchanging cups of tea and pleasantries, and not moaning about the time their partner or house mate is taking in the shower, Paper Monitor is busy toiling with a take-away coffee.
Which brings us nicely to the next piece of advice, courtesy of another group of researchers. Apparently two short lattes a day - or flat whites, if you can't bear the thought of having to pronounce the word latte - as part of a daily routine may be linked with a significantly lower risk of heart failure. (Paper Monitor wonders if this would cancel out the effects of the egg). Anyway, two short lattes, good - five or six cups of coffee a day, bad.
And what does coffee go nicely with? Cake. Which brings us nicely to an item at the bottom of the page which warns that images of fatty and sugary foods trigger hunger. According to researchers, "the 'striking' finding could partly explain high levels of obesity and over-eating, because such foods are widely advertised".
But hasn't the link between desire and advertising been evident ever since caveman etched a burger on a wall?