A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Relationships and baby speculation are standard headline fare so it came as no surprise that today's trumpeted the latest pairing.
But this particular couple proved especially titillating - Tian Tian and Yang Guang are pandas at Edinburgh Zoo.
Paper Monitor is weighing the possibility of stringing together the morning's stories in a Mills & Boon novel with an animal kingdom twist.
The Daily Telegraph gushed over the "keen" but "inexperienced" pair. "The scene was set for love. The straw bedding was fresh and the sexual chemistry overwhelming," the paper reports.
The plot thickens with Metro: "Despite smouldering glances between the cages, it seems it's not all black and white in the world of panda love."
Paper monitor is on the edge of our seat. Cue up the orchestra, aim the spotlight and chill the champagne. Will sparks fly?
Alas! The Sun snubs out any hope of a sizzling romance. "Giant panda Sweetie dozes yesterday after failing to mate with Sunshine."
So much for our bestseller, at least until 2013 when the pandas are expected to give romance another go.
As consolation, the papers suggest pandas are no different than us. They even have similar excuses according to the Sun: "Not tonight darling... I'm washing my fur."
Metro is a bit more ambitious in their anthropomorphic assessment. "Yang Guang could barely have been more like his lazy human counterparts had he been sipping a beer, watching Match of the Day - snoozing and munching bamboo to amorous Tian Tian's disappointment," the daily reports.
Paper Monitor is assuming these details came out in a follow-up interview with the ardent Tian Tian.
Even if the headlines aren't fodder for a full-length airport novel, Paper Monitor finds them a welcome reprieve from the rather tame coverage of another famous couple.
Wills and Kate come off a bit more stoic than usual in today's news - perhaps because the photos feature their wax counterparts, which were unveiled at Madame Tussauds in London today.
Paper Monitor couldn't help but notice that Kate's waxy replica clutches her bag instead of William's arm - unlike the engagement photo that inspired the sculptures. Call us a romantic, but Paper Monitor is all in favour of a little PDA.