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Addiction, guns, murder and the Duchess of Cornwall?
Paper Monitor rarely finds much of shock value when it comes to royal news, but the Duchess of Cornwall's visit to the set of Danish murder-mystery drama The Killing came into our crosshairs.
"Hands up: Duchess makes a killing," the Daily Telegraph says under a photo of the handgun-holding visitor. The Guardian is a bit more demure, identifying the duchess' weapon as merely a "prop gun" - perhaps to clarify the situation for the "cowering" Crown Princess Mary of Denmark.
In keeping with the drama's twisted plotline and mysterious murders, the papers all have their hunches about the duchess's true target.
"The Duchess grabbed Miss Grabol's pistol, pointed it at the press and declared: 'It was me all along!'" says the Telegraph.
The Guardian reports director Piv Bernth was the bullseye. The Daily Mail doesn't venture a guess, but reports the duchess "looks a little too trigger happy as she handles a gun".
Luckily for the crown princess, the press and Mr Bernth, the Duchess only made off with a replica of the heroine's trademark jumper.
"'Do not lose it,' she warned as she handed it to a royal aide," the Guardian reports.
After the gun-slinging show, Paper Monitor doubts the assistant will stray.
If a gun-toting royal wasn't enough headline fodder, the Titanic's return to the big screen offered ample opportunity for seafaring puns.
"Kate resurfaces", says the Daily Telegraph. The Independent stays the course with "Winslet sails again as Titanic gains a new dimension".
The Daily Mail branches out a bit with "15 years on, Kate's Titanic return ticket". The Sun runs amok with "Strip Ti-panic" to dub Kate's "sinking" feeling about the new special effects of a particularly, erm, open scene.
Paper Monitor hopes the headlines don't set the precedent for another 15 years of Titanic hype. Someone throw us a lifeline.