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Harrumph. Paper Monitor is in a bad mood. And Fleet Street's hacks appear to be conspiring to make matters worse.
"Clock horror, it's glumday," announces the Daily Express on page seven.
Today is officially the most miserable day of the year. As temperatures plunge, clocks go back and with government cuts set to bite, millions of Britons are slumping into a gloomy mood.
As many as 66% will be depressed today, according to a poll, with 47% saying they hate this time of year and 48% say they feel more tired.
Paper Monitor is a little confused, having previously understood that January was when misery was most likely to chill the heart, until spotting the source of the survey - that well-respected polling organisation, the Canary Islands Tourist Board.
Never a publication to shy away from being the bearer of bad news, the Express excels itself today by predicting a £3bn raid on families and pensioners by the taxman on page one.
Page seven warns how London's stand-in fire crews could not cope with a major blaze above a story prophesising that road deaths "will soar" as councils switch off street lamps to save cash.
Add to all this more blanket coverage of aeroplane bomb plots across all the dailies and it is enough to drive Paper Monitor to drink.
But, hang on, if scientists quoted in the Times are to be believed, alcohol is a "bigger demon than heroin, crack or ecstasy".
Perhaps a bit more exercise is what's needed - a lunchtime visit to the gym - isn't that supposed to reduce stress and lighten one's mood?
Not according to the Daily Telegraph, which warns: "Stay out of the office gym."
"Physical activity can stave off depression but only if it is fun and not done while at work, research suggests," it explains, reporting a study in the British Journal of Psychiatry.
Reaching a new low, Paper Monitor was about to seek cheer in the Daily Mirror's free toy - a Lego piranha, apparently - when gently reminded of the day's duties.
Principally, Poppy Watch. Apologies, readers, it may now be but a distant memory but in that de-mob happy state that Friday morning inspired, Paper Monitor neglected to keep you apprised of the first appearance of the remembrance flowers on front pages.
It was left to the letters page to point out that all the red-tops and middle market papers were proudly sporting poppies - the Daily Mail leading on size, but the Express on artistic merit.
And today, the Telegraph has entered the fray, making use of the wide-open space of its broadsheet format to display a poppy that, while leafless, is nigh-on lifesize. How will its upmarket rivals respond without obscuring headlines or front-page pictures?
The anticipation provides Paper Monitor with some cheer - perhaps life is not so bad, after all.