A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
The day starts like any other. "Have we got the papers?" asks your correspondent, eyes flitting about for the first sighting of a fresh pile of newsprint, for the paper boy never delivers to the same place twice.
"Yes, here they are," grunts the Monitor Towers inhabitant closest - this time - to the stack. Depending on who it is, they either take the trouble to pass these over, or gesture vaguely in the general direction.
On receiving this precious load, imagine Paper Monitor's delight when, upon delving into the wedge, the first page that falls open is a recipe for Swedish apple cake, courtesy of the Guardian. And a Swedish apple cake the recipe writer insists will take just 15 minutes to make. These are all of Paper Monitor's favourite words, gathered together in one place. Swedish. Apple. Cake. And - and! - 15 minutes. Can you feel your waning Blitz/Dunkirk/Henman Hill spirit returning?
"Let us take your problems in turn. Surely you can work from home? No. Like about 90% of the population, I can't. I can, however, have my pay docked if I don't make it into the office for days at a time.
Hmm. OK. At least you can eat out of the freezer? Yes. I do habitually. What a delightful series of repasts can be concocted using nothing but four-year-old fish fingers, a forgotten macaroni cheese and a bagful of frozen pomegranate seeds, that pitiful result of last summer's attempt to emulate Nigella's bountiful kitchen practices."
Finally - on a completely different note - the Independent runs its verdict on Legally Blonde, the latest stage-musical-of-a-film to hit the West End. Can you guess what their male reviewer made of it?
Why, he grants it four enthusiastic stars out of five.
"I had thought snootily that the stage show of Legally Blonde might put the 'ugh' in 'euuuugh!' But omigod was I like totally blown away. It may not be quite as good as Hairspray (it lacks that show's lovely, double-bluffing libertarian dimension), but it's ridiculously enjoyable from start to finish and camp peroxide-perfection in terms of its showbiz roots."
Who'd have thought?