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Paper Monitor

12:06 UK time, Friday, 2 October 2009

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Stop the clocks at Labour HQ, this is serious. They tried to shrug it off when the Sun tore down its tabard and nailed its colours instead to the Tory mast.

But this? This may crack the facade.

To lose the Sun may be regarded as a misfortune; to also lose the lead singer of D:Ream - all together now, "Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings! - - can only get BET-eeeeeeerrrrrrrr" - looks like carelessness.

Peter Cunnah, the man behind New Labour's anthem, is among today's line-up of "those who have ditched the government" in the red-top.

"The fed-up dad of two, 43, said: 'It's time for a change. If Gordon Brown called me today I wouldn't sing for them again... I think, 'Should I use my vote?' I'm still floating.'"

A ringing endorsement for the Conservatives indeed. But he has good news for the fans of 1990s dance-synth pop - D:Ream are back together and working on a new album. It's unclear whether the keyboardist will pack in that particle physics lark and do some real work for a change.

And, this just in. The Sun has noticed that Harriet Harman reads News in Briefs. Yes, she who speaks so vociferously against Page Three gets her news from the daily bulletins provided by Keeley, Danni et al.

"The deputy leader said: 'On page three there is a woman who's really concerned about jobs... the problem is she's so concerned about jobs she forgot to put clothes on.'"

Who is her joke writer? Because s/he's been busy lately, what with that "I'll be back" gag about wanting to "terminate" a California website rating UK prostitutes.

Times columnist Hugo Rifkind (hi there, Hugo...*blush*) has a theory about Ms Harperson's comedic lineage:

"She sounds like the human version of a tube of Love Hearts... Nothing she says means anything... At least when John Prescott spoke nonsense, he sounded a bit like he knew it was happening... I genuinely think that she might be turning into Baroness Thatcher."

It's been a while since Paper Monitor partook of a Love Heart, but one doesn't remember there being many with slogans about U-turns or Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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