Your (super-size) Letters
A bumper crop to make up for Thursday's non-appearance.
I think I can assist with a legal problem. The case against God has been thrown out because the defendant has no address. According to Google, Heaven is located at 9 The Arches, Villiers Street, LONDON, WC2N 6NG.
Kat Murphy, Coventry
"Punch drunk" implies the pony had been hit, and hit hard enough to appear drunk. If he was full of alcohol because he had been eating fermented apples, surely that made him just... drunk?
Alexander Lewis Jones, Nottingham, UK
I thought "who do you call when there's a horse stuck in your swimming pool?" was a joke. The answer which came to mind was to call your neigh-brrr.
John R Jones, Preston, Lancashire
Please could you publish a graph of the London Stock Exchange performance which doesn't just begin a month ago (Finance crisis in graphics), but which maybe goes back two, three or even five years? Then we can understand whether the recent falls are just a blip in a huge long-term rise, or whether they are enormous.
Having just read Phil Owens' letter from Tuesday, a common trick in the new house industry is to kit out show homes with furniture which is 7/8ths or even 3/4s the "normal" size, thus making the rooms look bigger. As most people won't test out the furniture they won't realise it's too small. Being 6'4" it is very important that I test all bedrooms for size by lying down like a fool on the floor, but I did find one house where one of the bedrooms would have meant that my feet slept in a different room to my head.
Basil Long, Nottingham
Monitor note: 6' 4" and named Long... nice.
I only scored "Pong" on the vintage computers quiz. It was a much better game than Super Mario anyway.
M Ross, Lancaster, UK
Re the lack of celebrity couple name for Guy and Madonna (Paper Monitor, Thursday): "Gonna" wouldn't have boded well either, would it?
Saffron Garey, Farnborough, Hants
But then the headlines could have read "Gonna Get Divorced".
AS, Salford, England
Can I just ask why there is a steaming pile of poo behind the elephants on the Blue Peter cake? Isn't this a bit out of taste?
Lee Hall, Glasgow
Even The Onion couldn't make up a headline as good as Iran makes huge ostrich sandwich.
Given the image used here, can I assume somebody at the BBC is a Squeeze fan?
Okay Monitor, I can forgive you for overlooking my caption competition entries, but I can't forgive you for overlooking the deceptively simple yet inspired "pewdle".
Do I win the Turing Test?
Elbot or Human?
I've written in four times and been published three. Is this some kind of record? (Between me and the other mythical Phil, Oxford, we shall take over the world!)
Over the years I have invested a small amount of kudos in you gained from publication of my letters. Given the global crisis, could you reassure me that this currency has not devalued, but retains its pre-crash value.
Thanks in anticipation.
Yours etc. etc.
Andrew, Malvern, UK