When I heard cheering and church bells ringing outside I wondered what it was for. Now I know, THE CAPTION COMPETITION IS BACK! I will now spend the rest of the afternoon thinking of something witty to say, and failing if past performance is anything to go by.
Can I just be the first to say, "If the caption competition weren't back..."?
Is there a word for a totally pointless news story where only if the opposite were true, it would become news-worthy? Fans fly back after Moscow final
Re "Andy Abraham - from street cleaner to Eurovision singer" - is this really a step up?
Clare, Cumbria, UK
Re Exploding Star Caught in the Act: "Previously, scientists had only been able to study these "supernovas" several days after the event." However, the galaxy you mention is over 80 million light years away, so surely the scientists have studied this supernova millions of years after the event, rather than a few days?
Ed, Clacton, UK
Sue, London (Your Letters, Wednesday) - You may be able to visit an amateur dry cleaners. As many dry clean labels say "Professional Dry Clean Only", I assume there must be some about.
It was interesting to read John O'Farrell's comments about the infamous C Thomson of Glasgow. When he (or she) retired, I seem to have taken over as most frequent winner of the Punch magazine caption competition. But I wonder where Mr. or Mrs. Thomson is now. I haven't seen the name appear as winner of any of the internet caption competitions around.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales
Last night, someone from an insurance company called me and asked "Is now a good time to talk to yourself?" If you too can't stand abuse of the reflexive, let myself know!
Rob Foreman, London, UK
Re Derbyshire may have 'oldest' dog: I'm guessing a "chop it in half and count the rings" approach wouldn't be appropriate here?
Re the oldest dog in the world story. "She eats little as she has only two teeth left, but loves to suck on sweets." Sounds like a bit of a vicious cycle to me.
Rick P, Oxford, UK
I thought that Exploding star caught in the act was going to be about Elton John.
Christian Cook, Epsom, UK
Seeing as using a car horn is illegal almost everywhere (Car horn beeping finally silenced), does anyone know why we have horns on our cars anymore?
Martin, Stevenage, UK
Question. How did 40-odd per cent of people get Wednesday's daily mini-quiz wrong, when the answer is displayed as soon as you hold your mouse cursor over the accompanying picture of the Russian Matryoshka dolls?
Helen C-W, Skipton, North Yorks
Am I getting too gloomy and impressionable ? It's just that "round-the-clock Twitter feed" only makes me think of battery chickens.
Graham, Purmerend, Netherlands
To those wondering about what the Twitter feed is - I can assure you, the mysteries at the end of the link are stranger and more curious than any guess you could possibly come up with.
Andrew Davidson, Stirling, Scotland
Vincent, who believes that no male remembers specific episodes of Sex and the City (Wednesday letters), I'm male, I remember the clam kissing scene. I am also homosexual, which may have something to do with it. Clearly the Monitor is a homosexual male who does not trust us enough to come out of the closet. It's okay chicken, in your own time.
Angel, Coventry, UK
If you had a competition for unbelievable boasts I'd nominate Steve's claim (Wednesday letters) to have kissed his girlfriend for a week, clam or no clam.
So there's a drug that increases trust in strangers? Actually it's having the opposite effect on me already, I may never go to the pub again. At least with Rohypnol you can say no to the drink, what's the strategy for avoiding this new one - not breathing?
In the spirit of Eurovision, my work pals and I have been engaging in vacuous tedious banter all week. Hopefully this is distinguishable from our usual banter...
Martin asks whether he is the only one disturbed by my Eurovision admission (Wednesday letters). It seems not. It seems fashionable to rubbish the Eurovision Song Contest and I can only assume it is because the UK rarely win (or in Luxembourg's case, don't win because they don't enter, though are past winners). If I were a fan of UK athletics, but rubbished Europe-wide athletic competitions in sports where the UK didn't do well, then lots of people would think me wrong (except perhaps those people who would normally have followed Euro 2008 but won't this year just because England aren't in it).
Ed, Clacton, UK