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How to Behave in the Outside World #1: Dating Tips

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Leila Johnston | 11:15 UK time, Monday, 6 December 2010

How to Behave in the Outside World

We're very excited to announce a new columnist here on the Comedy Blog: Leila Johnston. Leila is responsible for a staggering number of funny and interesting projects, including PDF comedy magazine All The Rage, community-powered comedy website-cum-book How to Worry Friends and Inconvenience People, and facetious fantasy gamebook-cum-adventure-game Enemy of Chaos - not to mention one half of the Shift Run Stop podcast.

How to Behave in the Outside World is Leila's indespensible guide to how to behave like a normal person in everyday life, and each week will feature an advanced simulation program developed by Le Singe Media. With the Christmas party season nearly upon us, you've just got time to brush up your dating skills with the interactive guide to dating. Click on the flashing circles to proceed:

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10 Dating Tips for the Outside World

  1. Know the stakes. A romantic relationship is a failure if it ends before one half of the couple is dead. This is the most ludicrously extreme criterion of success since mad uncle Eric made it his life's mission to "get to the front of the motorway".
  2. Consider taking out an enigmatic classified or one of those "I saw you" pages in the local press. "You: mid-20s, attractive, unconscious. Me: standing over you, smelling faintly of chloroform. Drink?"
  3. Valentines Day cards are written by the winners. Cynics say love is an invention of very recent years, like teenagers or PR - but hasn't it done well for itself? No one knows exactly who invented it, but let's just say it has all the HALLMARKS of a great idea...
  4. Lie about your work to avoid the following: "Yeah I work from home. It's brilliant. Sometimes I just stay on the toilet all day in case I need to go again."
  5. You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. Learn some cookery basics before you have them over for lunch.
  6. Where's it going? Some say love leads to reproduction, ensuring a 'part' of us will live on through our 'genes'. This is exactly the kind of lazy superstitious nonsense that has been holding back human progress since time began.
  7. Not all women like flowers. They'll say things like, "I don't want something to die because of me," but then go on to make babies with other men.
  8. Stay open-minded. Even my washing machine has a 'freshen up' function, although I've never been brave enough to try it, for fear of how things might develop.
  9. Remember to turn off the phone. Before you decide to stand them up.
  10. Voice your concerns before it's too late. "There are too many people in this relationship, and none of them are me."

 

How to Behave in the Outside World will continue next week. In the meantime, leave your own dating tips below!

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