How to Behave in the Outside World #3: Saving Money
Welcome to the third installment of Leila Johnston's indespensable guide to how to behave like a normal person in everyday life.
Following last week's shopping advice, here's Leila's guide to saving money - remember these lessons when you're feeling a bit strapped for cash after Christmas. Click on the flashing circles to proceed:
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8 Top Money Saving Tips
"Money is the root of all evil, but what is the root of all money?" asked Ayn Rand, who never invented a successful app. But she was onto something - how to best cope with this necessary evil? To help out you and Ayn, I've come up with some simple tips:
- Cut corners. If you pay peanuts you get monkeys, which sounds absolutely brilliant. It's also a great way to screen out applicants with peanut allergies without actually having to put it on the form.
- Bet. British children hope it will snow at Christmas - British adults bet on it. Snow itself avoids Christmas Day as a cliché, but places increasingly optimistic wagers on the discovery of alien life. No one is immune, because to bet is to hope, and The National Lottery is the biggest hope of them all. Entering 'lucky' numbers won't help. Sticking a pin in the phonebook won't help. However, if you scratch off where it says "DO NOT REMOVE" on a scratchcard, someone in the world will die.
- Borrow. A loan is a way of spending money from the future, but be aware that 'Thinkpence' from the year 2133 aren't currently accepted in present-day shops. Except the Apple Store.
- Bank. Banks charge for everything, but you can still get some value out of them: while you're waiting for a cashier, thread small paper slips into the notes slot at the ATM with things like "Help! I'm trapped in here!" written on them.
- Beware the false economy. This is when something initially seems like a good deal, but after a while you realise you're going to be paying £500 a year on your sofa until the human race dies out. Two related examples of false economies include doing an arts degree and keeping your own cow.
- Be sensible. There's a common misconception that "Money must be funny", to which I reply: Richard Curtis.
- Invest in Property. If you can afford it, invest in a really nice house with everything you need, like a toilet right there in the living room. Everyone knows that renting is just money down the drain - as are wishing wells.
- Be resourceful. For example, if you're a tramp, you could make a bit more money by pretending you're just dressed up as a tramp for halloween.
How to Behave in the Outside World will return in the new year.