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Adieu from Henry 8.0

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Henry Tudor | 14:48 UK time, Thursday, 14 January 2010

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Greetings loyal subjects!

Having a spot of bother with the wife. It started with a difference of opinion over iTunes and seems to have escalated since then. Music may be the food of love, but with love temporarily on the rocks, and music now a very sore point indeed, I'm afraid we've both just resorted to food and have been eating for England. I, for one, am touching cloth like there's no tomorrow and wifey's in the bathroom right now building a log cabin to rival King's College Chapel. (Apologies if I seem to have been side tracked by that particular poo story but the point is we're not getting on at all.)

Catherine is lovely and everything and I do generally adore her but I can't help thinking life would be so much easier if I could just pop her in an iron maiden every now and then. Alas, the music 'debacle' means she's cancelled our broadband contract by way of punishment and I'll be offline by the end of the week. I will surely waste away without the internet! No more papal flame wars on facebook, no more hottie hunting and no more twittering wisdom. I won't even be able to terrify Lilly Allen's tour manager without the internet and as for click-throughs on Lady Gaga's youtube videos, well they will surely take a nosedive without me around. I was tempted to lop off Catherine's lovely head in protest at such a barbaric proposal as disconnecting from the internet, but who's going to venture out in the cold and the snow for crisps and roasts if she's not around?

No, I will just have to lie low and do my best to get back into Catherine's good books. I tried winning her over by doing some hoovering this morning but apparently there are other, more hygienic ways of cleaning out the oven and so I think I'll just have sleepy quiet time on the sofa with my book and my coloured pencils and pray that she changes her mind about the broadband connection. I'm doing a truly magnificent study of a monster eating a spaceship and with God on my side I should be able to scan it in and post it online 'ere the year is out.

Until such time as I can bellow at you all again... adieu!


P.S. I am currently consoling myself by inventing a whole range of royal smileys. Hopefully by this evening I won't be quite so }]:-(

Hooray Henry

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