Review of the week
Roses are red, violets are blue, John Terry messed up and Saha scored two. Not the best way for JT to go into his Valentine's weekend break, although the Chelsea captain's performance against Everton suggested it might just have come at the right time.
As you know, we haven't followed the tabloids' lead in picking through the details of Terry's alleged affair, but I did quite like this observation from Phil Thomas in The Sun after the player gifted Saha his double at Goodison: "John Terry should be used to having sleepless nights courtesy of the French by now." (Allegedly.)
Chelsea's defeat, coupled with the nasty injury to Ashley Cole, blew the title race wide open (again) and with Manchester United dropping points at Villa, Arsenal were the beneficiaries courtesy of their 1-0 win over Liverpool (three days after being written off as no-hopers).
Marouane Chamakh - and his barnet
On a positive note, Nicklas Bendtner made his return for the Gunners. On a negative note, he still thinks the goals at the Emirates are located in row Z. Meanhile, the bad-haired Marouane Chamakh was heavily linked with a switch to north London in the summer, but is not committing to anything yet, with Liverpool also interested. He clearly needs time to mullet over (while I get my coat).
Rumours Cesc Fabregas has signed a pre-contract deal with Barcelona also resurfaced, although suggestions that Steven Gerrard shouted "Hands up who's off to the Nou Camp?" just as he struck his last-minute free-kick at the Emirates were wide of the mark.
Indeed, Fabregas and Barca president Joan Laporta were at pains to rubbish the claims. When Arsene Wenger was asked to comment on their joint-denial, he quickly pointed out "Nothing plus nothing is nothing" - he's not called 'Professor' for nothing, you know. Incidentally, how good would it be to see Laporta rock up at Pride Park one of these days, giving English football its first ever Derby and Joan club?
Gerrard, meanwhile, was getting over the defeat at Arsenal by posing with a waxwork double of himself destined for Madame Tussaud's. "It's quite a good likeness, but I've clearly got bags more personality than that," said the waxwork.
Staying at the top of the table and United were relieved to come away from Villa Park with a point after Nani got his marching orders for a two-footed lunge that even (gasp) Sir Alex deemed worthy of a red card.
The Red Devils got themselves back into the game after James Collins put through his own net. It was, incredibly, the 10th own goal United have profited from this season, equal to the tally Dimitar Berbatov and Michael Owen have scored between them and 50% of the total poor old Portsmouth have managed in the Premier League all season.
Pompey were granted a stay of execution over their winding-up order and with Southend and Cardiff also in the dock, references by sports hacks to the bench these days are more likely to pertain to the courts than the dugout. Fans of every club (possibly even a few Saints) will surely be hoping the matter can be resolved with a positive outcome - not least because we know it could be us next.
Staying with wind-ups and Jermaine Jenas was on the wrong end of a 'merking' when a bunch of giggling Gooners stuck an Arsenal badge on the front of his 4x4. A builder helpfully pointed out the misdemeanour, but Jenas politely ignored him and drove off, hopefully noticing before he arrived for training.
There was certainly no badge-kissing to be done for Spurs as they crashed to defeat at Wolves. David Jones finished off a sweeping 18-pass move to secure a precious three points and get an unwanted monkey off the back of the BBC's John Motson.
Motty's previous four commentary games all finished 0-0 and Jones' strike ended a barren run of 402 minutes - a stat the self-confessed anorak in a sheepskin would have been only too aware of. After the game, a relieved Motty presented the bemused midfielder with a bottle of champagne "not from BBC expenses by the way - that's from me".
Former Wolves hitman Steve Bull provided the quote of the week in an interview with The Guardian's Small Talk. When asked who would be his ideal dinner party guest, Bull replied: "If he was alive, Muhammad Ali."
The likeable Bully is getting a reputation for saying things he wished he hadn't. Last week he was talking about 90-year-old Wolves legend Bert Williams and opined: "If I get to half that age I'll be happy." Bull turns 45 next month.
Actually, I'm doing Steve a disservice there - the foot-in-mouth award clearly goes to Fifa President Sepp Blatter, who when talking about the outcry over John Terry's alleged dalliances, said: "This is a special approach in the Anglo-Saxon countries. If this had happened, in let's say, Latin countries, then I think he would have been applauded." Sorry, Sepp, remind me where the bloke who sacked him comes from again?
In the draw for Euro 2012, England and Wales were paired together, while Scotland face Spain, Northern Ireland play Italy and the Republic of Ireland face a trip to Russia.
England took the unusual step of unveiling their new away shirt at a Kasabian gig in Paris, with frontman Tom Meighan sporting the little red number as he walked out for the encore, prompting a chorus of boos from the French crowd.
"It's cool. I'm representing England, the wonderful country that we live in, and all the good things about being from there," he raved, before having his wings clipped by The Fiver, who pointed out: "In November the lead singer of England mad-for-it Kasabian told The Guardian 'I support the Republic of Ireland'."
Make your mind up, Tom!
Elsewhere, Coleen Rooney has told Hello magazine that her brothers have been trying to get nephew Kai into a Liverpool kit, but Wayne 'once a Blue, always a Blue' is having none of it. And a user called Mark Davis drew my attention to a BBC headline ahead of the JT-Capello meeting - 'Terry Waits on England Captaincy'. Mark wondered what insight a former hostage with a big beard could possibly have to contribute on the matter.
And finally to a story doing the rounds on several football blogs concerning one Frances 'Smokie' Larkin, bound over to keep the peace for relieving himself over a batch of French loaves in a supermarket - following the infamous handball incident that ended Ireland's World Cup hopes.
According to News From Ireland, Gardai Anthony Flanagan told the court: "When I got there he was urinating on the French bread section and stamping on a loaf. I later ascertained that the loaves were brioches, a sort of French bread. When he saw me, he said: 'That's for Thierry Henry, guard. If you have any pride in your country, you'll let me go'."
Right that's it for me, another week, another two defeats for my sorry lot as the spectre of relegation looms large. The latest news is that we could be losing our sporting director, while German legend Lothar Matthaus is being lined up as manager number, er,.....where's Carol Vorderman when you need her?
'Hooligans' sing Valentine's song