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Review of the week

Chris Charles | 09:00 UK time, Friday, 10 July 2009

When Dizzee Rascal penned his recent hit 'Bonkers', he must have had this summer's transfer activity in mind.

I got the text about Michael Owen on July 1 - my birthday (cheers for all the cards and flowers by the way - very touching).

My first thought was that the clocks had gone back three months, but it turned out Sir Alex Ferguson was the only one taking the mickey - quite literally in fact.

Fergie was recently pictured on holiday in the South of France and my guess is that when Lady F went down to the travel agents, she picked up a copy of Owen's infamous brochure by mistake and before you could say mon dieu, the deal was done.
Michael Owen
How everyone laughed when the glossy 30-page dossier drawn up by Owen's people to attract a buyer became public. Well, to borrow a line from the great Bob Monkhouse, they're not laughing now.

Owen by contrast was grinning like the Cheshire cat who'd got the cream, the fact the Jewson lot, as he was pictured for the first time in the new Red Devils rugby league top. And who can blame him? One minute he's heading to Hull (and back), the next he's rubbing shoulders with Nemanja Vidic's shinpads.

Not everyone's happy, though. Things could be a little frosty the next time Mikey's round at Stevie G's for a barbie and one suspects the old 'Michael Owen Scores the Goals' song (to the tune of Michael Row the Boat Ashore) might be tweaked slightly upon his return to Anfield.

On the upside, think how profitable it could be for England's World Cup chances if Owen and Rooney hit it off - and imagine the look on Sir Alex's face if England lift the trophy in South Africa and The Sun headline screams: 'It Was Fergie Wot Won It!'

Meanwhile, United old boy Cristiano Ronaldo was uncharacteristically lapping up the adulation in Madrid, spraying around words like 'love' and 'dream' with the impeccable timing of a trademark free-kick.

But he quickly reverted to type when asked whether £80m was too hefty a price to pay for his services. "I think I'm worth more," came the reply. Attaboy.

In a previous blog I noted that when Ronaldo won the Ballon D'or he was probably more concerned about losing out to Kaka in a newspaper poll to find the world's best-looking player. So as the Portuguese star surveyed the 80,000 fans who'd flocked to the Bernabeu to welcome him, you can bet the fact that his old rival had attracted 30,000 fewer to his inauguration wasn't lost on him. Revenge is a dish best served cold, eh Crissy?

Kaka's former suitors Manchester City kept the Red Tops busy with rumours that they were willing to pay John Terry £300,000 a week - making Eto'os wage demands look like chicken-feed.

I feel for JT. I too have to make the decision about whether to move up to Manchester, although my other half has assured me if I'm offered £300K she'll make me walk there on hot coals. Sadly, the only sweetener on the table for me is half a lager and a packet of pork scratchings.

While football was going crazy, normal service was resumed at Wimbledon, where Roger Federer and the Williams sisters took centre stage. I have to confess to supporting Andy Roddick the minute Roj strolled on to court in that ridiculous white trouser suit of his. The six-time champ is just one white fedora away from being the next Man from Del Monte.
As the epic final set went on (and on) some wag shouted out: "Come on Andy, I need the toilet!" All it needed was for Paul Whitehouse to stand up and inquire "Anyone fancy a pint?" and the afternoon would have been complete.

In the women's final, the Williams sisters met again, prompting one hack to suggest Wimbledon's famous postcode should be changed to WS19. After Serena's comprehensive win, some cynics suggested the girls had decided it was her turn - Sister Pact if you like.

But in terms of personality, the pair are light years ahead of the rest, summed up by the cheeky tight t-shirt Serena wore after her triumph, with the slogan 'Are You Looking At My Titles?'

Meanwhile, the main sporting event of the summer is under way and you can feel the wave of excitement rippling across the country. I'll leave the main stuff to our top bloggers Dirsy, Fordy, Stevo and Robbo, but I have to say KP has taken an unfair amount of stick over that dismissal - even if it was the best comedy sweep since Dick van Dyke.

Staying with comedy and Carlo Ancelotti continued the tradition of Chelsea bosses dropping one-liners into their opening press conferences when he replied to a question about John Terry's future by saying: "I don't know if he will be captain next season....I joke....I like to joke in press conferences." Ooh, he's a one.

As for his predecessors, Mourinho famously introduced himself as "The Special One", Avram Grant declared: "I am not the Special One, I am the Normal One" and Big Phil declared: "I like jokes, but my wife knows me best - get in touch with her."
Joe Cole
Chelsea winger Joe Cole provided the (alleged) story of the week on Popbitch, involving his wedding to Carly Zucker. You might remember her from such shows as I'm A Celebrity, where she was allowed to watch the England-Germany game in which her new hubby wasn't playing - admitting to a fellow contestant: "Slowly through the game I realised he wasn't involved."

Anyway, over to Popbitch: "Joe Cole bought a beautiful bespoke suit for his wedding. Unfortunately for Joe, someone involved in stitching up his suit rather likes West Ham, the club Cole ditched to join Chelsea. So it's possible, if Joe were to look at the lining of the jacket, that there might be a full West Ham insignia chalked on it, complete with a few choice words - several of which were 'Judas'."

And finally, you may recall a fortnight ago, Gavin & Stacey star Mathew Horne twittered/tweeted this joke about Newcastle: "Earlier today I saw a Newcastle season-ticket nailed to a tree. I thought 'I'm having that!' 'cos you can never have enough nails, can you?"

Well, he's been at it again. This week's offering reads: "I always vowed if I won the lottery, I'd buy Newcastle United Football's just getting those bloody three numbers together..." Ouch.

Right, have a good weekend one and all. I'm off for a mini-break in Cromer and I hope, like the proposed name of Wayne Rooney's old racehorse, Norfolk Enchants. Which was exactly the response he got from the Jockey Club when it was suggested that's what he wanted to register it as.


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