The ChartBlog Awards - Part 2
Get dressed! You're about to be blessed with the best of the rest...in a vest...etc...
Most Controversial Review
Y'know, I still don't really get what all the fuss was about with liking this song. It's clearly better than 'One Shot' or the Children In Need one they did (which came with its own comment storm), and even though it suffers from excessive autotune the tune it actually autos is a rather good one. Naturally, just shrugging and saying "ah well, horses for courses" was never gonna wash with the ChartBlog massive.
Key quote: "If the band are in the middle of doing what they do, and you, the audience, are concentrating on the words they're saying over, say, how they look, what muscles are flexing, which way up Aston is, the beat, the music, the clothes, the bagginess of Ortise's trousers, the hair, the teeth, the twinkly eyes, the voices, or what the song is saying even if the words are not, chances are you're not really JLS's core demographic."
The weird thing is how long the reaction to this one opinion has continued to rumble on, really. I think the idea is that if you like something that someone else doesn't like, then this exposes your soft underbelly, ready for spearing. But if you fail to like something that someone does like, then you're cruel. How this theory has continued to thrive in an era of hateful YouTube comments and snarky Twitter feeds is beyond me, but there it is.
Plus that "hey!", the one that pushed it from a 4-star to a 5-star review, is STILL brilliant. So ner.
Bubbling Under: Paramore - 'Misery Business' HOO-BOY!
Most Successful Meeting of Minds
If there's anything we can learn from this marvellous interview it's that it's always a good idea - should you be lucky enough to interview a pop band - to call the singer a dwarf within seconds of the interview starting. It won't work for everyone (waves to Kelly Jones), but the rewards are more than worth the price you have to pay to get them.
Bubbling Under: Los Campesinos! - Their Favourite Interview EVER
Mystic Meg Award For Predicting The Future
I don't ever really try and predict whether things will be big hits or not. It's not really for me to say, democracy being a strange beast that seems to explode in many different directions at once. And besides, just because one song sells more than another, it doesn't mean it'll make any more sense to you, the listener.
That said, I was pleased when, having written a big confused rant about why I kept listening to this early song by Wild Beasts when there were other, more poppy things to be getting on with, they then went on, a couple of years (and albums) later, to be quite popular, and Mercury nominated.
Quite why 'Atlas' by Battles wasn't at No.1 for 10 weeks straight remains a total mystery, however.
Bubbling under: An Alternative Top 5
It's a simple premise. You take a song's lyrics, use an online translator to convert them into a foreign language, then use the same translator to bring them back. Something gets interfered with along the way, and all sense is lost. LOST!
Bubbling Under: Important Moments In Pop History - The Saturdays Get Their Name
Most Let Down By The Passage Of Time
Remember polyphonic ringtones? Remember how they were a version of modern pop songs but always sounded awful and robotic, like Will.I.Am without the astonishing quality control? Well we made our own, and it was also awful. Trouble is, nobody has polyphonic ringtones any more. And quite right too!
Bubbling under: Fun With Press Releases
Me and Steve ChartBlog were having a conversation one day about 'All These Things That I've Done' by the Killers, and thinking of other ways you could've written that like "I've got soul but I'm not a soldier". We batted them about for a while, laughed a lot, I wrote them up for the blog, everything was hunky dory.
THEN, Bill Bailey started doing the SAME JOKE as part of his stand-up act. I'm not saying it's cause and effect, because clearly anyone could've come up with the same idea. But the fact that it's now been used by a professional comedian means it's empirically the best joke on ChartBlog.
Bubbling Under: Armband Van Halen
Come on, MCFLY SPRAY!! *highfive*
Bubbling Under: Edgy Soldiers
Best Use of Onomatopoeia
I love it when a pop song is thrilling and brilliant and stupid and clever all at the same time, and even though 'Bonkers' ran out of lyrics halfway through, it remains exactly that kind of song. Dizzee himself may have gone on to make less-enthralling songs, but so long as he's never too far from a man with a deep voice going "BONKBONKBONKBONKBONKBONKBONKBONK", he'll always be forgiven in my house.
Key Quote: "The way he shouts "I let sanity give me the slip" so it sounds for all the world like "I let Sunny E give me the slip". Sunny E presumably being an even more artificial version of Sunny D. "
Most Damning Review
There's no trick to writing nasty things about people and their hard work. In fact it's really, really easy to do. You just subtract fairness, add imperiousness and have at it. It doesn't make it a desirable thing to do. But sometimes, when you're being prodded in the chest by a song that clearly wants you to fight it, or it will hurt you, you've got to be able to defend your fragile inner self from torment. Or, in the case of Scouting For Girls, point out how incredibly rude it is to write a song slamming the modern obession with celebrity, when you're the singer in a pop band.
Bubbling Under: Black Eyed Peas - 'The Time (Dirty Bit)'
And finally...here's where we came in. My head on a superhero.
So that's that. The real final end of this thing. Thanks again to everyone ever, especially those pop stars and their (sometimes) astonishing music.
You've been great, I've had my moments...TATTY BYE!