Mini Viva - 'One Touch'
Oh blimey charlie, this will not do at all. Look away! Look away now!
The lyrics, the filthy filthy lyrics...well they're so rude they should not be listened to be anyone ever. I'm probably breaking several of the BBC's strictest rules by even talking about them. I've already said too much. Even now, the innuendo police are probably strapping on their highly-polished truncheons, shiny helmets at the ready, desperate to give me a really good seeing-to.
So you can forget reading any of the disgusting obscenities here on the blog. I'd be run out of town on a rail, and I don't even LIVE there. Don't even ask. I won't do it. No way. Nope. Nien.
(Here's the video. Are they standing in a ball pool?)
I mean to say, look:
"Do you want a candy? Hey baby
With a cherry on top
Do you want this? Do you need it?
Cuz the cake comes hot"
Is that not the most disgusting thing you've ever read? I don't even know what it MEANS, that's how dirty it is. And the grossness doesn't end there.
Look at this. I mean LOOK at it!
"I'm not afraid of no love, and I rock you anyway that I want
I'm not afraid of your stuff, and I'm sure I'll keep you running"
How on Earth did they expect to get away with it? That's what I'd like to know.
I mean sure, there's that fantastic Calvin Harris-y bassline running through all the verses, that makes up for a LOT. And the chorus is pretty great too, if you can get past the astonishing disgustingness. It's stuffed full of chuntering synthy goodness, whooshy noises, the occasional robo-harmony (tastefully done, for a change), all the things we have come to recognise as key ingredients in a good pop song.
And make no mistake, this IS a good pop song. It's just also a very bad pop song. Very bad indeed. Wicked, really.