SONTUM OF QUOLACE COMPETITION WINNER!
It is your lifelong dream. And this is your one and only chance. Your entire existence has been building up to this moment. Your future depends purely on this decision. If you lose, your life will become a meaningless void. Because performing The Sontum of Quolace karaoke-style at lunchtime on a Thursday in a medium-sized room at the Electric Proms is all you've ever lived for! And now... it's decision time.
Swamped by an avalanche of entries, our panel of judge spent almost an hour closely scrutinizing all 17. Hopefuls were evaluated on their vocal quality, stage presence, wow factor, ability to give more percent than 100%, dress sense, marketability, mentile health, tabloid-scandal susceptibility, four quadrant demographic appeal, personal hygiene, basic reasoning skills, criminal history and general Big British Castle visitor-cooperativeness levels. After ten minutes of intense deliberation, then a lovely chorizo, cheese and salad roll and a quick read of the paper, it's time to change someone's life. For an hour or so. On a Thursday.
The winner is... BEN MERCER!
Ben Mercer has achieved that which was previously thought impossible. He makes The Sontum Of Quolace cool. This improbable, illogical but dazzling feat seems to have been achieved with some combination of superb guitar chops, arresting falsetto vocals, ingenious melody re-tooling, skinny jeans, a good haircut and a great deal of pure talent. I am truly honored that Ben has agreed to perform his wonderful rendition of the song, and thereby represent me, my song and all the employees of Cornballs Global Torpedo Systems Plc, at the Electric Proms on Thursday. Kneel before Mercer!