Last updated at 16:29 BST, Tuesday, 03 April 2012

Swallowing the dictionary

Summary

April Fools' Day 2012

A drug which could implant the entire vocabulary of a language into the taker's body is being trialled in the UK. If successful, it's predicted that mankind's centuries-long struggles with foreign language learning could be over in a gulp.

Reporter

James Hardbluster

Pills

Will these magical pills help you speak fluent English?

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Report

In the past, people who have used too many complicated words to get their messages across have been accused of swallowing the dictionary. Now, thanks to the pioneering work of scientists at the Linguistic Institute of Artificial Replication, it's become possible to eat - and then regurgitate - the whole of the English language.

The drug, called Verbumisol, triggers a chemical reaction in the brain which creates a stockpile of words. Electrical impulses are then fired directly at the larynx. The mucous membranes stretch causing the air modulation to realign according to the patterns of English pronunciation. Within an hour, a person with no knowledge of English, can produce the vocabulary of a native speaker.

Professor Leugenaar, who is in charge of the trial, demonstrates with a volunteer from Indonesia:

"Stephani here took this pill just 59 minutes ago, so she should be able to simply think in her own language yet produce perfect English when the clock hits 60 minutes. Please start Stephani."

L. I. A. R. claim this invention has the potential to change human history, end all wars, and put a stop to boring grammar lessons. However, critics of the drug say that it has some serious side effects, such as verbal diarrhoea, a tendency to talk endlessly about the weather and a habit of apologising for no reason.

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Vocabulary

swallowing

eating, ingesting

pioneering

advanced, revolutionary

regurgitate

throw up

triggers

causes

a stockpile

a collection

modulation

intonation, tone

native speaker

person who's language is their natural language

a volunteer

someone who offers to do something

verbal diarrhoea

an excessive flow of words

apologising

asking for forgiveness