Episode 5: Under covers by WILL JEWEL

INT. CLUB, BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Lewis steps off-stage, sweaty and elated. The baying crowd can be heard chanting his name. In the wings he scoops Jo up into his arms and start pulling off her clothes passionately...

JO

(VOICEOVER) I wannabe swept off my feet by my Rock God and wildly made love to...

INT. LEWIS'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jo opens her eyes and looks across at Lewis laying next to her. He is snoring blissfully. She whispers seductively in his ear. He twitches in his sleep, mumbles and lets slip a fart. TITLES

INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE - DAY

FULLSCREEN - VIDEO AND ANIMATED OBJECT (SPINNING NEWSPAPERS)

Leila is sat typing at her computer in the newspaper offices.

LEILA

(VOICEOVER) I wanted to be a journalist for the excitement, the thrills, the danger, the big sexy storylines....

ANIMATED OBJECT - SPINNING NEWSPAPERS

The headlines are readable, the text of the stories isn't. - 'Man Slips Over In High Street' (next to adverts for pile cream) - 'Garage Might Close' - 'Mayor Candidate Opens Supermarket' (photo of Alan) - 'Litter Lout Fined £30'

Leila sighs. Jocasta approaches Leila's desk. She has developed a maternal bond with Leila and senses her frustration.

JOCASTA

Everyone starts where you are, Leila. I wrote obituaries for my first six months. It was dead exciting I can assure you.

LEILA

I just want to be an investigative journalist, you know? Going undercover... cracking big stories...

JOCASTA

And I'm sure you will. In time. But first you've got to earn your stripes.

She sees Leila looking glum.

JOCASTA

(CONT'D) How's your love life?

LEILA

My love life? Non-existent. Why?

JOCASTA

We need to try and attract younger readers. I was thinking of running a column about someone's dating experiences...

Leila looks intrigued.

INT. CLUB, CAFE - DAY

Jo is sat in the club's cafe in girly chat with Charlie and Rachel.

CHARLIE

(sipping cappuccino) Jo, if my i-pod stops playing I simply buy another. If Lewis isn't fulfilling your needs.. (she jerks a thumb over her shoulder) Seriously, seduction is a man's job. It's far too much like hard work for the fairer sex unless its a route to something else you really really want.

RACHEL

I don't know. I enjoy seeing the look of surprise, then anticipation, on Seb's face when I open the door dressed in sexy undies.

INT. LEWIS'S BEDROOM - DAY

FANTASY: Jo imagines herself trying to seduce Lewis.. Jo swings opens the bedroom door, trying her damndest to smoulder in sexy lingerie. Lewis snores under the duvet.

JO

Hmmm. Maybe.

RACHEL

(wicked smile) Or just being spontaneous when you've just got to have him there and then. No man can resist that...

EXT. BRIGHTON BEACH - DAY

FANTASY: Jo imagines her and Lewis walking along Brighton beach. Suddenly she clumsily wrestles him to the pebbles and starts pulling off a startled Lewis' clothes.

JUMP CUT TO

Lewis and Jo looking windswept and humiliated as a policeman painstaking takes down their details in a pad.

INT. CLUB, CAFE - DAY

CHARLIE

Of course, if all else fails just be waiting for him naked as the day you were born when he comes home.

Rachel and Charlie both nod and smile at their respective fond memories...

RACHEL/CHARLIE

No contest.

INT. MOBILE PHONE SHOP STOREROOM - DAY

It is dark in here. We can just make out Seb and Leila in the gloom. They are huddled close and are whispering.

LEILA

I'll do it for the thrill.

SEB

Well it's all about the money for me. You don't have to actually have to have sex.

LEILA

It looks like this is the closest I'm going to get to going under cover for the foreseeable. Who's my target?

SEB holds up his phone. It has a picture of DARREN on it.

SEB

Darren Brown. Branch Manager. No-one gets away with ripping me off like he did. (smiles) He's always had a wandering eye for the ladies..

Leila nods to herself.

LEILA

I'll hook him and reel him in for you, Seb. Leave it to me.

They shake hands on it.

INT. CLUB, CAFE - DAY

A&R man Morgan De La Toit and Lewis are sat in the cafe.

MORGAN

(choking on coffee) Pwah! That's not Grande skinny ice Mocha! That's Grande frappucino. This joint's going to the dogs.. (slides coffee away) So one week on the frontline with the Zeitgeist Records posse. How do you think it's going, Lewis?

CU: Lewis' hand is nervously inching it's way towards a bag at his feet. On top sits 'Hopper Rock' - Lewis' demo CD.

LEWIS

(distractedly) Um, OK I guess.

MORGAN

Well, you clearly know your Arctic Monkeys from your Elbow. Setting aside your punctuality and that unfortunate falling-asleep-in-the-demo-room incident... yeah, you did OK. Of course I'd usually have docked your pay but as you're on trial, I ain't paying you anyhow!

Morgan laughs at his own comedy genius.

MORGAN

(CONT'D) So how are you getting on with the demo mountain - unearthed any diamonds in the dross yet?

LEWIS

(reaching for the demo) Well, I wanted you to listen to...

MORGAN

- The last intern kept banging on about this band he'd found called the Showponys. All he kept banging on about... it only turned out they were his brother's bloody band!

Lewis' hand falters as Morgan shakes his head in disgust.

MORGAN

(CONT'D) One thing I hate is people trying to take short cuts. I got where I am by sheer bloody mindedness. Everyday of my life I have to deal with all kinds of idiotic non-sense. No wet-behind-the-ears little jerk is gonna make a mug out of me!!!

Morgan violently bangs the desk making Lewis jump.

MORGAN

(CONT'D) His feet hardly touched the ground on the way out.

Lewis hurriedly shoves the CD back in his bag.

MORGAN

(CONT'D) You found me the next Oasis yet, then?

LEWIS

Um, still working on it, Mr De La Twat.

MORGAN

Lewis. How many times - it's De La Toit.

INT. MOBILE PHONE SHOP - DAY

Seb cockily walks in and sits down in front of the desk of Darren Brown, his slimy Branch Manager.

DARREN

You're wasting your time, Coltrane. Head Office have already processed my bonus claim. (grins) ..now Agia Napa or Ibiza..? That's the question that's troubling me...

SEB

I've got a question that's troubling me - what page of Head Office's Staff Guidelines does it say it's OK to take customers back into the storeroom and grope them?

Darren looks worried. Seb holds up a mobile and presses play.

ANIMATED OBJECT: VIDEO ON MOBILE

The animated phone shows the following scene as video.

INT. MOBILE PHONE SHOP STOREROOM - DAY

Video rushes on the mobile phone: Darren is showing Leila into the storeroom.

LEILA

It's dark in here.

DARREN

Maybe the K750? Do you like a big one or something more compact?

LEILA

Ooh, I don't know really. I've tried all sorts. What have you got?

DARREN

Do you like extras with it? How about toys? Video? You know I could give you a nice big staff discount.

He steps a little too close to her.

LEILA

Don't be silly. I don't work here.

He places a hand on the wall either side of her.

DARREN

Well I'm the boss here. I like to give special customers special treatment.

He places a hand on her breast.

DARREN

(CONT'D) Hands on treatment.

Leila screams.

LEILA

What d'ya think you're doing?!

INT. MOBILE PHONE SHOP - DAY

Darren lunges and grabs the phone. Seb watches as Darren cracks the phone open, takes out the SIM card and smiles as he destroys it with relish.

SEB

Did you think I wouldn't copy it first?

Darren's smile stalls.

SEB

(CONT'D) I get my money or I upload it as a special bonus feature on every video phone we sell.... (smiles) You're right... Agia Napa's nice this time of year but I'm not such a UK Garage kinda guy...

DARREN

OK, OK.

Seb smiles to himself as he stands to leave. Mission accomplished.

DARREN

(CONT'D) (evil) But I wouldn't go enrolling on any long-term training schemes here, Coltrane.

CUT TO: INT. LEWIS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

From behind we see Jo's naked back. She tries to strike a sexy pose. She falters and sighs. She then hears a hand on the door handle and quickly puts an arm on her hip and attempts to smoulder seductively. Through her cocked arm we see the door open.

JO

What kept you?

In shuffles Lewis's GRANDMOTHER. She screams when she sees the naked Jo.

JO

(attempting to cover herself) Sorry!! Sorry, Mrs Hopper!!

INT. CLUB, BASEMENT BAR - NIGHT

Seb is sat drinking with Leila. He seems a bit sad. Leila stands to leave.

SEB

Soon as the bonus comes through I'll treat you to something expensive.

LEILA

Thanks. It was fun. Good practice for when I go undercover as a journalist. Gotta dash.

Jo approaches, slightly drunk. She and Leila tense and eyeball each other like alley cats as they pass.

JO

(to Seb) You look like you won the Lottery then lost the ticket.

SEB

I finally got my bonus. But I think I'm going to be looking for a new job.

Jo looks back at the departing Leila.

JO

When's she going to get homesick?

SEB

Get off her back, Jo. She's OK.

JO

She's not got her hooks into you too?

SEB

I think she's here to stay. Get over it.

Jo thinks 'great', pulls out the chair, slumps into it and takes a long swig of her drink. It's not been a good day.

INT. CLUB, SPEED DATING - NIGHT

Leila is sat facing the camera in the nightclub. In the background people bustle. Leila is scribbling notes in her pad.

VOICE

(OFF SCREEN.) Welcome to Ocean Speed Dating Night. The rules are simple - three minutes per 'date' and mark your cards whether you'd like to see them again or not and we'll see how many matches we get. Let the dating commence!

GAME: TOP TRUMPS

Three Top Trumps style cards are displayed on the screen. They have an animated picture of the character at the top, with bullet points about each guy underneath. The animations all shot in the studio include Lee acting out playing footy, drinking, rescuing babies from flames, and mooning. Howard's show him meditating, cooking, saving the rainforest, jogging, doing Tai Chi. Paul's are in a series of cute close ups, watching bands, at the car wash, playing sport etc.

LEE: A cheeky guy in a tracksuit top with a lot of hair gel and several earrings.

Name: Lee Age: 23 Occupation: Fireman Hobbies: Drinking, football Starsign: Leo

HOWARD: A lean, sensitive-looking guy with short-cropped hair and a patterned shirt.

Name: Howard Age: 29 Occupation: Male Nurse Hobbies: Cycling, cookery, aromatherapy Starsign: Aries

PAUL: Handsome, rugged, dark haired and casually dressed in jeans and a polo shirt

NAME: Paul Age: 25 Occupation: Self employed businessman Hobbies: Films, football, squash Starsign: Sagitarius

You must help Leila by choosing a man from the three. You can ask each the following three questions. They will be answered by the animated character via audio clips.

Q1 If you were a holiday destination where would you be and why? Q2 Where would you take me on a perfect date? Q3 Tell me something about yourself?

Answers:

Q1 Lee: "Me? Hmm, I guess I'd be Australia, then I could take you down under! Heh, no, seriously I reckon I'd be Jamaica - but no-one would have to force you to come with me! Geddit? 'Cause things would be hot hot hot if we spent some time together!"

Q1 Howard: "A holiday destination? It would have to be somewhere in walking distance because I'm committed to lowering my emissions. Maybe Hove?"

Q1 Paul: "Well, Cilla, I'd be France 'cause they're a nation of romantics, we'd have fine food, wine, and considering the question - a good deal of cheese!"

Q2 Lee: "I'd take you straight down West Street - show you a proper time! Kick off with 3 for 1 shooters, get a skinful of beers in - or cocktails for yourself - then down Club Koku, The Event or Creation then back to yours. Top night guaranteed!"

Q2 Howard: "I'd like to cook you a meal. I'm a vegan and a lot of people think that vegan food is boring, but I know a recipe for compost soup that's really tasty and entirely recycled."

Q2 Paul: "Hmm, depends on what your favourite food is? I know this great little Tapas bar or maybe Italian? I'd like to take you for a meal, get to know one another, a few drinks after then maybe a movie or go see a band..."

Q3 Lee: "Did I tell you I'm a fireman? I mean, I don't like to go on about it, people say we're heroes and all that but, honestly, it's not all running out of burning buildings carrying babies.... hang on - didn't I meet you when that sodding tabby got himself stuck?"

Q3 Howard: "Hmm, open question, eh? Well I usually demonstrate against a major injustice. Last week I was protesting about oceanic pollution and I chained myself to the pier. I forgot about the tide. That fireman over there, Howard, had to rescue me. That's not a typical day. Normally I watch countdown."

Q3 Paul: "Well, I'm a businessman, it's not very glamorous but I run a chain of car washes.. hey, everyone needs their car washed, right? I like to travel, read a fair bit, I'm pretty into the Brighton music scene and go see bands regularly. To keep myself fit I play 5-a-side for a team and I play squash."

INT. CLUB, RED ROOM - NIGHT

Once the viewer has answered the three questions,

CUT TO: INT. CLUB, SPEED DATING - NIGHT

Leila takes a photo of each guy on her mobile phone camera.

LEILA

(to camera) OK, so now I've gotta mark my card. I know who I'm scoring but what would you do?

ANIMATED QUESTION

in the form of a score card. The viewer has to tick the box under one of the three pictures.

A, LEE
B, HOWARD
C, PAUL

INT. CLUB, SPEED DATING - NIGHT

YOU TICKED PAUL

LEILA

Hey, we're obviously on the same wavelength! He's v cute, isn't he?

INT. CLUB, BASEMENT BAR - NIGHT

Leila and Paul stand awkwardly facing each other. NB SEB and JO are in the background.

LEILA

(CONT'D) So, do you do this often?

PAUL

This? No, no....

LEILA

Right.

PAUL

(laughs) Honest. You?

LEILA

First time.

PAUL

Yeah right. Attractive girl like you..

LEILA

(fancies him, acts like awkward teenager) So car washes, eh?

PAUL

Car washes?

LEILA

Your business.

PAUL

(covers, badly) Car washes, oh, yeah of course.

LEILA

You don't really own car washes, do you?

PAUL

Me....? No. I don't. What are you an undercover reporter or something? (whispers) I'll let you into a secret. I'm an Estate Agent. We're about as popular as Traffic Wardens in these parts. Drink?

LEILA

Red wine. Make it a large one.

She smiles to herself as she watches him go. He's cute.

INT. CLUB, BASEMENT BAR - NIGHT

There are more empty glasses in front of Seb and Jo as they drown their sorrows.

SEB

Why're you in such a foul mood anyway?

Jo

shrugs like a sulky child. She takes a long swig of her drink.

JO

What's so wrong with me Seb? Am I that unattractive?

SEB

'Course not, Jo. You're sexy as hell.

JO

Yeah, right. Lewis doesn't seem to think so. I mean is it my bum? Is it too big? She turns and points her shapely tush at Seb.

SEB

(taking sip of drink) No, that's a great bum, Jo.

JO

Am I too flat-chested? She pushes her boobs together and thrusts her chest forward.

SEB

No, they're fine. Look, maybe it's Lewis.... I mean.. he must be crazy.

Jo looks at Seb.

JO

You think so? You always know just how to say the right thing, Seb. You're a real friend.

She kisses him on the cheek. She then stops and lingers, her face close to Seb's....

INT. SEB'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jo and Seb are writhing on the bed, pulling at each other's clothes. Jo is hot, eager and sexually frustrated. Seb disentangles himself.

SEB

One moment. Um, condom...

JUMP CUT TO: INT. SEB'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

SEB closes the bathroom door and leans against it. He looks into camera.

SEB

How did this happen?! Lewis is my best mate and that's his girlfriend waiting for me in there...And what about Rachel?

Seb paces, then smiles.

SEB

(CONT'D) But if Lewis isn't doing his duty and Jo's on heat, maybe I'd be doing them a service? Would it actually hurt anyone...? (beat) OK. So what should I do?

ANIMATED QUESTION The Video freezes. ANIMATED QUESTION appears.

SHOULD SEB: SLEEP WITH JO OR NOT SLEEP WITH JO?

YOU CHOSE: 'SLEEP WITH JO':

SEB

Yeah, that's my first instinct and it's not that I'm not tempted....But you know what? I'm already on thin ice with Rachel with this old flame being back in town. I can't risk it....

INT. SEB'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jo is naked, like when she was waiting for Lewis. Through her arm we see SEB enter from the bathroom.

JO

What kept you?

SEB

Jo, I can't do this... What about Rachel? And Lewis?

RACHEL

(OFF SCREEN) Hi, I'm home. The track was being resurfaced..

The door opens. A shocked Rachel looks from a half dressed Seb to Jo in bed....

END OF EPISODE