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16 October 2014
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Sunset Lineup - Getty Images

The Lineup

Surfing Squirrel's guide to the lineup...

'The Line Up' - A miscellaneous alignment of rubber clad warriors vying for supremacy of the ocean waves.

The line up is a place where the dregs of surf society congregate. Like a pack of surf hungry howler monkeys that have taken a vow of silence and had their hands wrapped in synthetic carbon based polymer to stop them playing with their rude bits.

So how does the average Joe surfer (that's you by the way) negotiate this watery jungle and rise above the pack to surf the 'Wave of Certain Stoke'?

In the words of Genghis Khan: "Knowest thy enemy and though shallt prevail". In this quick and easy guide you can learn to spot the nefarious types of surf beast and paddle your way safely through the pack.

The Dread Head:
The dreadlock headed surf monster, is a serious animal to contend with. It's super serious 'kill you if you come any closer' glare is enough to faze even the most experienced Joe Surfer. The Dread Head toothpick rider is the most singular of surf creatures. It sports a tangle of dreadlock hair akin to a Valley granny's knitted tea cosy. The shear weight of water in its saturated fuzz makes it sit menacingly low in the water, frequently only with nipple ringed, tattooed upper torso in view.If you chance to encounter the Dread Head, give it a wide berth, for it has none of the mellowness of the genuine Rastafari and is prone to spontaneous combustion.

The Scowler:
The Scowler is a benign relative of the Dread Head, mostly harmless. The Scowler takes him or herself extremely seriously and generally believes their ability to be significantly greater than their actual surf prowess. Please don't tell them the truth, they might just cry.

The Sanguineous Apoplectic:
Diametrically opposite to the Scowler, the SA has a broad cheesy grin that suggests overuse of Stella or a predisposition to insanity. Often heard hooting and hollering to fellow surfers, especially to those of emerging ability who are concentrating hard on their feet positioning and could really do with the silly bugger shutting up and letting them get on with it. An experienced and able surfer, the SA will invariably claim a cover-up in all wave conditions (especially 2ft slop).

Typically 30 something with a slight beer paunch, the Apoplectic often attempts to keep at the cutting edge of surf progression, often getting caught in the latest retro fad. The garage of the Sanguineous Apoplectic is often crammed with an array of unusable boards, such as twin fins, seventies-esque fish tails, and fat boy flyers. The Sanguineous Apoplectic can often metamorphose into Longboard Wave Hog in later life, particularly if it takes a sabbatical due to wife, kids, golf or other form of mental illness.

The Longboard Wave Hog:
The forty something 'take off on every wave bear defecating in the woods stance, go in a straight line' Longboard Wave Hog is a seemingly gregarious species. They are typically found milling around the middle of Coney Bay in guffawing, flatulent, walrus-like rafts. They ride expensive imported boards upwards of 11ft in length and can often be overheard to murmur through their cheesy moustache; "Oh yes, I've ordered a fifteen foot nose rider, genuine Hawaiian balsa from Greg Knoll, gold weave deck and jewel studded fins". After surf, they can be found in the car park slapping each others backs and voicing loud about the virtues of their 40ft Motorhomes and long wheel base 4x4's.

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