I once wrote a poem about Xmas,
It wasn't that good or that bad,
It wasn't that long and it wasn't that short
And it wasn't that happy or sad.
There weren't any sleigh bells or reindeer,
No favourite uncles to tease us,
No colourful flickering fairy lights
And especially no reference to Jesus.

I once wrote a poem about Xmas,
It didn't have carols from King's,
No sprayed-on snow in the windows,
No pheasants or five gold rings,
No last-minute shopping in Chester,
No cheque books or Switch cards or Visas,
It didn't have redcurrant jelly
And it didn't have mention of Jesus.

I once wrote a poem about Xmas,
I left out the cards and the tree,
Dispensed with the cake and the Wise Old Men
And the seasonal bird on page three,
I did without chocolate and charity shops
And watching our breath as it freezes,
Omitted the bit about comfort and joy
And I put the old kybosh on Jesus.

I once wrote a poem about Xmas,
But Xmas was rather bereft,
For after I'd taken the J-word out
There wasn't an awful lot left.
So this year I'm putting the Christmas back,
With lots of nice presents to please us,
No show without Punch - roast turkey for lunch
And a whisky and ginger for Jesus.