So you wanna be one of Santa’s little helpers?

If you’re interested in the world of performance – be it as a Santa, a singer, or whatever – check out D is for Dress, J is for Joker, and K is for Kangaroo Kid. If, on the other hand, you’re interested in being one of Santa’s Little Helpers, read on….

Who are Santa’s little helpers?
Besides the obvious ones such as the gnomes and elves who work in the toy shop, Santa also employs people in the Greenland Post Office Sorting Department, the sleigh-making shed, the Reindeer Stables, Greenland air-traffic control, and his own P.R. department.

So how do I get to work for Santa?
For most of Santa’s employees, a job is for life, and not just for Christmas. It requires dedication, belief, and the ability to work at sub-zero temperatures throughout the year.

Sub-zero temperatures?
Yes, you’ll need to move to Greenland. As Greenland is not part of the EEC, you’ll need to apply for a work visa from the Greenland Government before you can go and work over there. NB: two thirds of Greenland lies within the Arctic Circle, it is therefore very cold.

Accommodation and pay
Accommodation is provided for all of Santa’s little helpers. Workers in the air-traffic control and P.R. departments generally live in log cabins close to Santa’s own house. Everyone else lives in igloos, though Santa does provide fur coats and sealskin boots to all his employees.

Rates of pay vary greatly: skilled labourers earn anything between 18,000 – 25,000 pounds of turkey per annum, whilst manual workers can expect to earn as many mince pies and glasses of sherry as they can stomach.

Qualifications (non-human)
Gnomes and Elves are qualified by birth to work for Santa in his toyshop. However, he will also consider employing changelings and retired garden gnomes with a minimum of three years’ experience in dealing with humans.

Qualifications (human)
Qualifications for working in the sorting-office include the ability to be gruff, surly, and non-communicative when the mood takes you; the ability to scuff your shoes whilst dragging your feet and huffing is also encouraged. In order to work in Santa’s air-traffic control, you’ll need a degree in maths or physics, as well as the ability to tell the difference between a reindeer and a harrier jet.

Future prospects
Bed-wettingly exciting until you reach the age of eight, when you will lose all ability to see Santa in the flesh, and will start believing in alien-abduction instead.