Journey of a Lifetime
Selling two concert tickets online for £2,000 takes Simon on an uncomfortable journey.
"It all began when the 60s rock group Cream - Eric Clapton, Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker - reformed after 30 years to play at the Royal Albert Hall, London.
I was going... but instead I sold my tickets on Ebay in a ticket frenzy, they reached £2000 a pair!
With these profits, off I went to South America, where I found myself bloodied by altitude sickness, chased through favela streets, held at knifepoint and stranded in war-torn airports until the armed forces kindly airlifted me out.
And... the 12 hour bus journey from hell. With the sun was beating down, I was squashed against the window by the big, dribbling lady slumped next to me.
I had consumed my very last drop of water; the time to relieve myself was well overdue. But this bus had no toilet and no room to swing a Peruvian cat, let alone pee into an empty plastic bottle. And I knew this, because I tried... From every conceivable angle and every available position. It was impossible. Especially with 40 pairs of Peruvian eyes watching my every move.
As I wrestled my way passed passengers, chickens, fruit and furniture, eventually I reached the disgruntled driver. I showed him my discomfort with one exaggerated expression and reluctantly the bus ground to a stop. I threw myself out and made a dash for a safe haven to pee and...
I didn't time that wondrous moment of relief, but it must have clocked a good few minutes. Obviously, way too engrossed to notice the simple fact that the bus, with all my belongings, had just driven off. Leaving me all alone in the vague, barren outback.
As I gazed up, admiring the stars, something suddenly occurred to me.
Eric Clapton, Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker....
My front row tickets to the Royal Albert Hall, London. Tonight ..."