Episodes - Faking It

Episodes: One - Faking It Two - Little Orphan Alesha Three - Dead Cool Four - B-ICE's New Clothes Five - Resplendant Six - Kings of da Hood

There's no such thing as bad publicity, and Brilliance decides Trexx and Flip need some: for Flipside, a fake date with a teen soap star, and for the pacifist Trexx, a feud with Gangsta-Rapper, B-ICE. Faking it never did anyone any harm now did it, boys?

Except B-ICE does not know the meaning of the words "fake feud" and, even after accepting a written apology, decides enough is enough - nobody calls his mum names in a newspaper! The fake feud is now a very real one.

Meanwhile, Flipside's fake-date, Amber, is not too impressed. She agreed on the publicity stunt only to find there's a terrier called Flipside in Yorkshire more famous than "rap's latest happeningest guy." What's worse, her hyper-fit boyfriend decides Flip needs a lesson in not trespassing. B-ICE and his Posse turn up to mash Trexx and none of the press turn up for the fake date. Looks like another fine mess Brilliance has gotten them into...

What's good, people? You're reading the typing of Flipside, which puts you on the receiving end of the biggest blog on the block.

So, what's it like to be a couple of well juicy megastars, strutting our way to the top of the hip hop tree? Well, some days it's all paparazzi intrusion, high maintenance women, and vendettas. But those things ain't necessarily as good as they're cracked up to be...

Let's chat about this week for example. First mistake we made was going to see our manager, Mr Brilliance...

Things That Happen When You Listen to Mr Brilliance:

• Bad things
• Things which seem to be Good Things but turn out to be Bad Things
• Bad Things which seem to be Really Bad Things but turn out to be Much Worse Things

The important thing to remember is never listen to Brilliance. Except if you don't listen to him, you don't know what he's planning, and if you don't know what he's planning you might not survive his next promotional strategy. So the important thing to remember is DO listen to Brilliance. Being Hip hop's most happenningist unknown superstars is a confusing business.

So we make the mistake of listening to Brilliance, rather than the mistake of not listening to him - and Brilliance decides to hook me up with a celebrity babe so I can get papped and end up dead famous (with the emphasis on FAMOUS). And he gets Trexx into a war with our arch nemesis B-Ice so he can end up dead (with the emphasis on DEAD).

Now, as an international rap sensation-in-waiting I've met some pretty mean people - dubious, unpleasant persons who's sole purpose in life is to cause others pain - but until I met Amber I ain't never been forced to date any of them. What's worse is that this was a pretend date. What's the difference between a real date and a pretend date, I hear you ask? Well, not much:

• Your woman doesn't pretend to be annoyed when you're late. She really is annoyed when you're late.
• You don't pretend to buy her food and drinks and that. You actually buy her real stuff with your real money.
• She doesn't pretend to talk about stuff you're not interested in. She really does talk about stuff, and you literally aren't interested in it.
• Her boyfriend doesn't pretend to hit you with his fists when he finds out about your pretend date. He actually hits you with his real fists in your genuine face.

As far as I can tell, the only pretend thing about a pretend date is that you pretend to like each other. And I've been on plenty of real dates where that's been going down too.

So - I get threatened by Amber's boyfriend, Trexx has to go toe-to-toe with B-Ice in the arena of the public khazis, and to add insult to injury Amber falls in love with Trexx and moves into the crib. And just when you think things are hella bad, it turns out that when women move in they bring all bras, old pants, tweezers, pads, shoes and weird hair equipment with them. And the bottles... women need to have loads of bottles of stuff that no-one even knows what it is. Things got so bad, me and my bro had to do a comedy rap and video about it all.

On the plus side, Mr Brilliance got caught up in it pretty bad too - so that just goes to show that he shouldn't listen to himself either...