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24 September 2014
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Fancy Dress

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Michael Jackson

If you're to achieve Jacko's mid-'90s look pictured here then you'll need a fully qualified plastic surgeon to mould your nose into a small mushroomed button. If however you haven't budgeted for a skin graft this Christmas then purchase a nose from any joke shop or use one of those cheap plastic things that fall out of a pack of cereals. As you can see in this pic, by this stage of his career Jacko was cocking a snook to his critics, so you'll have to adopt a high pitched squeal and plenty of atti-tood at your Christmas party. Remember to accuse the record business of racism and tell people why you think Sony boss Tommy Mottola is the devil. Although he's unlikely to turn up to a cheese and wine Christmas gathering in East Croydon...

Jacko's glittering, spacesuit garb can only be found at a theatrical dress shop, likewise the bullet belt slung jauntily over the shoulder but the bandaged arm can be replicated with any cheap, first aid gauze you have lying around the house. Some sequined trousers would also be advisable to complement the jacket and some thick silver toweling socks and a pair of shiny, wet-look loafers to facilitate your moonwalk across the kitchen for a refill and a packet of crisps. You have learnt how to moonwalk haven't you? It'll be a fabulous party piece. What else? Well, some heavy eyeliner and a cheap perm wouldn’t go amiss. But best to leave the oxygen tent at home although the chimp could prove a hit with the ladies and a great opening gambit in conversation. Just make sure he doesn't get drunk. And best not to grab your crotch at any time during the evening and yell "shamone!"

Probably best to get a cab to the party dressed like this. A ride on the bus could prove fraught with danger. If a bunch of louts are verbally assaulting you on your bus journey, reassure yourself by uttering the mantra... "Who's bad?"
Are you alright dear? I’m worried. You’re walking backwards. And is that chimp a present from your friends at work? Because he ruined most of the my good china earlier …


U Got The Look
Pusscycat dresses for the girls. Platforms for the boys.
Adam Ant
Adam Ant
Stand & deliver! Be a real prince charming with this look.
David Bowie
David Bowie
Fancy going all Ziggy Stardust? Spandex and makeup to the ready.
Human League
Human League
Lopsided haircuts for the boys and shocking eye makeup for the girls.
Michael Jackson
Shamone! How to achieve this look without cutting of your nose.
If there's a look, Madonna's had it. We recommend the Blond Ambition style.
MC Hammer
This man certainly had a distinctive look. Whether you want to copy it is up to you!
Pepsi & Shirley
Puffball skirts, pettycoats and knee-high socks.
Shakin Stevens
Comb up that quiff, put on the crepe-souled shoes and don a pink jacket.
Whether you wanna be Dave Hill or Noddy Holder, you'll look crazee like this.
Spandau Ballet
To cut a long story short, this smoothie style has got to be gold.
Mel C & Geri
Spice Girls
Sporty, Ginger, Baby, Scary and Posh. We got the tips for the ladies.
Even if you don't want to adopt the Wham! look, the pictures are worth a laugh.

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