These cracking tunes may have topped the Xmas charts, but you wouldn't want to play them at your party!


'Fairy Tale Of New York' - The Pogues
It may have had its heart in the right place with it's soppy Christmassy intro and mood-setting tinkly piano, but no sooner have you started smooching with your loved one under the mistletoe than the true sentiments of this 1987 Xmas ditty kick in. As you pucker up, a sprightly Kirsty Macoll lets rip with a torrent of abuse that would make any self-respecting Santa's ears bleed: "You scum bag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, Happy Christmas your arse, I pray God it's our last." Charming! And a guaranteed atmosphere pleaser for those annoying arguing couples who just happen to have dropped round for a mince pie and a beer
(or five). 

'Mull of Kintyre' - Wings
What better way to get a great party pumping than banging this stonking tune - which was No. 1 in Xmas 1977 - on the stereo? There your are in your satin black pants and spangly party top, ready to do the Conga with your chosen Christmas snog, and on comes Paul McCartney's paean to the most far-flung freezing south westerly part of the Kintyre peninsular. Not even swaying with your lighter held aloft will warm up the atmosphere after this comes on. While you're at it, why not kick up your heels to another McCartney classic, The Frog Chorus's 'We All Stand Together'. Don't you just love those 'novelty' party songs?

'Another Brick In The Wall' - Pink Floyd
This moody, miserable number hit the top of the charts in December 1979, and what with its shouty lyrics and frankly disturbingly dark graphics, it wasn't every parent's choice for getting their kids in the Xmas swing. It probably didn't help that the video featured a satanic-like hammer-headed headmaster shoving poor unsuspecting kiddies through a mincer. The song was the main-selling single from the band's hugely successful film, The Wall, which was, according to one review, "about a mentally damaged man who has gone from a hopeful child artist to a burned-out rock star drifting away from reality...with elements of his abusive childhood coming back to haunt him until he begins to descend into absolute madness." And a Merry Christmas, one and all!

'Earth Song' - Michael Jackson
"What about Elephants...what about the crying whales...what about children dying?" screeched the King of Pop back in December 1995 when he went all environ-mental on us. And while we absolutely appreciate his concern for the common man, frankly we fancied something a little bit less worthy for our celebratory shenanigans! The only positive point is that this tearful track could have been used as a timely reminder to parents buying fluffy pets for their loved ones. Is Michael actually saying: remember, a puppy is for life, not just for Xmas? No, we didn't think so either...

'Can We Fix It' - Bob The Builder
There were two equally inappropriate tracks vying for the top position in Xmas 2000 - one from chainsaw-wielding bad boy rapper Eminem, whose 'cheerful' tune 'Stan' told the tale of a crazed fan who kills himself and his girlfriend by driving off a bridge, and one from a two-dimensional twit who claimed to be able to fix everything despite the fact that he's made out of plastercine. Bob the Builder and his blue dungarees won the day, with Scoop, Mock and Dizzy and Roly too, Lofty and Wendy joining the Christmas party crew. Let's hope that this year's top party tune is a bit more inspiring!