Take Cover! |
Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot...
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 Charlotte Church
 There's something large and violent about Charlotte that belies her tiny, butter-wouldn't-melt appearance. It's that tendency she has to erupt and spew forth a torrent of other-popstar-bashing lava every time she gets asked a question by a member of the press, even if it's just "aren't kittens nice, Charlotte?" She's made more dangerous by the fact that it's impossible to time or predict her eruptions - she can lay dormant for months, even saying the occasional complimentary thing to make you think she's settled down, only to suddenly explode again out of nowhere: "Were you makin' eyes at my fella, you big, rubbish, talentless GIMP?" or similar. Many valiant individuals have tried to tame Charlotte or defend themselves against the surge of hot, blistering Chagma. So far, no one has succeeded. The best advice we can give you if she looks ready to blow? Run for the hills!
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 James Blunt
 Put that umbrella away, folks - unless you can turn it upside down and float in it. J Blunt Esquire is the main responsible for many pop floods, thanks to his steady stream of mid-tempo pop tearjerkers. We should probably specify here that it isn't always James who causes the tear ducts to overflow and the rivers to invade the streets, sweeping up everything in their path - but that's more of a reaction he tends to produce in the listeners. Either they're profoundly moved by the bittersweet sentiments of his winsome balladry, or they can't believe that 'You're Beautiful' is being played on the radio AGAIN. James probably isn't the sobbing type himself, with all of that stern army training - although if anyone wants to put it to the test by poking him in the ribs and calling him a big girl, we won't stand in their way. The best protection? Carry a rubber lifebelt with you at all times (or an inflatable dinghy if you've got really big pockets) and head for high ground when you hear those familiar opening bars. Or, y'know, turn the radio off and put 'Push The Button' on instead.
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 Beyonce
 Whooosh! What's that? We...can...hardly...stand...still...wind...too...strong...oh, that'd be Hurricane Beyonce, then. Sweet girl, but she seems a little overkeen on wind machines for our liking. It makes for a heck of a spectacle in her videos, but it's darn difficult to have a conversation with her. Well, unless you really enjoy shouting "WHAT?!" as you try to make yourself heard over all the whistling. Loose-fitting clothing should be worn with caution - if done correctly it can flap around all sexy-like, but if undertaken carelessly you may find the hem of your coat is suddenly over the top of your head and you can't see anything. You'd also be advised to invest in some of Beyonce's patented velcro-covered shoe soles - perfect for holding that still pose without being swept away by the blasts of air. The good news here is that her tempests can be predicted - they usually occur at the time of a video shoot or an arena performance. It's generally safe to approach at all other times. Hooray!
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 Nicola Aloud
 Be careful never to assume too much from appearances. Sure, you might think that Nicola is the shy, retiring one who hides at the back behind Nadine's legs and doesn't say very much. But do not underestimate her, for she is a firestarter. Quite possibly even a TWISTED firestarter. It's the flaming auburn hair that gives it away, you see. For a while last year she tried to hide it all by colouring her chestnut barnet a more demure shade of brown, but THE FIRE WILL NOT BE SILENCED. Nicola, bless her, tries to keep it under control as best she can, but it is important that you do not surprise or anger her unless you wish to risk being flambeed on the spot. She can't always keep a lid on it when she's emotionally upset, y'see. This is the real reason she keeps out of the spotlight so much - the less she exposes herself to lights and screaming fans, the less likely she is to have an overexcited pyrotechnic "accident". Our advice? Always carry a bottle of water, try to wear flame-retardant clothing whenever possible and for the love of God NEVER scare her with flash photography. Otherwise: mmmm, crispy.
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 Matt Willis
 You could be forgiven for thinking that pop earthquakes were statistically 80% less likely following the split of Busted and with it the death of the infamous Busted jump. Charlie went off to crowd surf with Fightstar, and James went off to pull faces with Son Of Dork, and the ground breathed a sigh of relief now that no one was relentlessly pogo-ing on it. At least, that was until Matt Willis came back onto the scene, bringing along with him his own unique style of dancing. Limbs are thrown around, mic stands are flung to the floor and oh yes, the pogo? It's BACK. While the return of such energeti-pop can never be a bad thing, we feel compelled to issue the following safety announcement: if the ground starts to tremble, beware. When the ceiling starts to shake, get into a doorway or underneath a nice solid table. And whatever you do, do not approach Matt in the middle of a routine lest one of his flyaway limbs might accidentally decapitate you. You have been warned...
Steve P
25/04/2006
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It's Party Time!  |
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We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
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Big Bother |
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The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
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When Song Titles Go Silly |
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Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
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Dream TOTP Presenters |
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If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
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Web-Singers |
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Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
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Doing It For The Kids |
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What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
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Who Sean Did Next... |
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We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
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Take Cover! |
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Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
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The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
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OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
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They Are The Resurrection |
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This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
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Britain's Next Pop Model |
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Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
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Drama Queens |
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Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
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Pop Conspiracies |
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Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
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I'll Show YOU! |
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Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
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Crapper Rappers |
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Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
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Reality Pop Stars |
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They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
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Indie-lympics |
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They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
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Daft Predictions: 2006 |
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What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
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Secret Santa |
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If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
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Xmas Turkeys |
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The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
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Toy Story |
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Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
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Rock School |
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Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
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Name Academy |
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Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
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Food Fighters |
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As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
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Arty Popstars |
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They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
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Oi You! Outside Now! |
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If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
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Grow A Spine! |
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Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
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Eaten By The Pop Beast |
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What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
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These Words...Are Bonkers |
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Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
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Too Long Titles |
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When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
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Oi! Cheer up! |
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It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
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Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
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The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
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Parent Repellants |
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Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
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Non-Stop Popsters |
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Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
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Diet Hards |
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A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
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Bond Rocking Beats |
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Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
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Endorse-Mentalists |
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Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
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Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
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We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
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Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
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No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
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Crooner Eclipse |
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We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
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Tell It To The Judge |
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They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
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Welcome Back! |
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The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
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Britney's Auction Items |
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Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
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The People That Elton Wronged |
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You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
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Lord Of The Blings |
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This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
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You Still Here? |
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The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
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Ice Queens |
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These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
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Have-A-Go Heroes |
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Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
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Cover Calamities |
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If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
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Skinny Indie Kids |
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Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
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