Rock School |
Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds?
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 History
 Teacher: "Class, today there will be a test. Question one: Name the Austrian archduke whose 1914 assassination sparked World War I. Yes, sharply-dressed arty lad at the back?"
Alex Kapranos: "Franz Ferdinand, sir!"
Teacher: "Stupid boy! Everyone knows that's the name of a band. Question two: According to Greek mythology, what was the name of the woman who founded the city of Carthage with Aeneas?"
Dido: "It's Dido, sir."
Teacher: "I know your name, girl! Try to do better with this final one. What was the official title of Willhelm II, leader of the German Empire during the First World War? Yes, you...scruffy lad jumping about on the left?"
Ricky Wilson: "The Kaiser, chief!"
Teacher: "Correct. But call me 'Chief' again boy and you'll get double detention!"
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 Computer Club
 Sad computer geeks love to stay after hours to tinker with machines, program mechanical beats, generate discordant noises, build androids to fetch their tea, and create websites filled with pornographic images. But that's enough about Rachel Stevens' production team. Look, there's Alison Goldfrapp tuning her Theremin, surrounded by sweating red-faced boys, none of whom can quite look her in the eye. Careful dear, sit on that and you'll... Hey, that sounds rather good, actually! And over there are Royksopp playing with some horrible phone ringtone. Oh, that's your new single? Jolly good. Perhaps little Crazy Frog would like to join you to sing something for it, once he's put his school shorts back on, naturally.
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 Science
 Don't assume that just because the Girls girls dress like they're hotter than a curry in the Sahara at all times, they haven't been paying attention in class. After all, their single is called 'Biology', and their album is called 'Chemistry', right? That's science, innit? Never mind that Cheryl thought the next scientific discipline on their musical hit list should be 'Christmas Tree'. Or that Sarah thought that a test tube was the qualifying exam for train drivers on London Underground. Or even that as far as Nicola is concerned, physics is how you get bubbles into lemonade. So long as Nadine insists on using chemistry to turn her skin browner than the Devil's toast, the Aloud's membership of the worldwide scientific community remains assured.
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 Politics
 Not as popular a subject as it used to be back in the '80s (which is a history lesson in itself), nowadays the only people who can be found paying attention in the politics lessons are swotty Yorke, a newbie just arrived from Lord Radiohead's Finishing Academy in Poshfordshire, head boy Kanye West and class rebel Billie Joe Armstrong. Yorke spends the lesson taking feverish notes and muttering "doomed, we're all DOOMED" like a drunken Gollum. Kanye points out the injustices of the modern world by talking about himself in a rhythmical fashion, and Billie Joe listens for a bit, then leaps onto his desk and stage dives into the bin next to the blackboard. And who says the art of debate is dead?
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 Drama Class
 When it comes to the Oscars, you're more likely to see pop stars providing the entertainment during the loo breaks than accepting a gong on stage. But still they aspire to become the next Madonna, er, no, Eminem, er...well, a pop star who makes films anyway. Look at Will Young, who flapped his bits out in Mrs Henderson Presents. Or Robbie, who still wants to be the next James Bond, but gets fired from an ejector seat every time he auditions. You've got double-oh zero chance now, mate! 50 Cent has swapped rap for rep, starring in his own movie - although his computer game character looks less artificial, truth be told. And as for that has-been popstrel Billie Piper, anyone remember her? Apart from being the award winning star of some top rated sci-fi drama, naturally. Loser...
Rob F
09/12/2005
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It's Party Time!  |
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We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
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Big Bother |
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The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
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When Song Titles Go Silly |
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Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
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Dream TOTP Presenters |
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If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
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Web-Singers |
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Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
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Doing It For The Kids |
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What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
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Who Sean Did Next... |
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We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
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Take Cover! |
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Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
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The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
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OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
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They Are The Resurrection |
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This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
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Britain's Next Pop Model |
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Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
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Drama Queens |
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Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
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Pop Conspiracies |
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Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
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I'll Show YOU! |
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Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
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Crapper Rappers |
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Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
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Reality Pop Stars |
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They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
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Indie-lympics |
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They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
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Daft Predictions: 2006 |
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What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
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Secret Santa |
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If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
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Xmas Turkeys |
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The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
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Toy Story |
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Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
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Rock School |
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Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
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Name Academy |
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Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
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Food Fighters |
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As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
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Arty Popstars |
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They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
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Oi You! Outside Now! |
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If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
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Grow A Spine! |
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Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
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Eaten By The Pop Beast |
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What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
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These Words...Are Bonkers |
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Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
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Too Long Titles |
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When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
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Oi! Cheer up! |
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It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
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Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
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The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
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Parent Repellants |
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Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
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Non-Stop Popsters |
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Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
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Diet Hards |
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A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
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Bond Rocking Beats |
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Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
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Endorse-Mentalists |
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Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
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Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
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We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
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Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
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No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
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Crooner Eclipse |
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We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
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Tell It To The Judge |
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They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
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Welcome Back! |
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The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
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Britney's Auction Items |
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Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
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The People That Elton Wronged |
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You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
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Lord Of The Blings |
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This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
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You Still Here? |
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The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
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Ice Queens |
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These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
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Have-A-Go Heroes |
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Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
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Cover Calamities |
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If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
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Skinny Indie Kids |
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Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
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