Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...).
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 CHARLIE BUCKET
 Now, who else should play the role of the young, idealistic Charlie Bucket - the only decent child to enter Willy Wonka's chocolate factory - than the monobrowed posho from Fightstar? Not convinced? Well, for starters Charlie Bucket sounds a lot like Charlie Busted, and, er, er, sorry, that's it. Fact is, even if his rugged good looks had secured him the role (and he was interested in acting), Charlie would've taken one look at the script and said "What? This is for KIDS! I HATE kids! God! All they do is, like, scream and eat sweets and wet themselves. What's that about? I HATE that! I HATE chocolate too. Gravy's much better. Why can't this be called Charlie ROCKS At A Gravy Boat With Grown-Ups? That would be SO TOTALLY PUNK ROCK!", before calling the butler in to deliver cheese and oat-cakes ("No pickle. I HATE pickle...").
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 WILLY WONKA
 So, there's this fella, right? He never really grew up, loves children, lives on his own in a big fantasyland. It's an enormous theme park building which has been built to his exact specifications by a team of shadowy underlings who love music and won't ever disagree with him. He's very eccentric, likes to keep reality at bay and is very mistrusting of journalists and the media. He's also very rich, very creative and is the best in the world at what he does. Some concerned parents feel he's a bad example for young people, but he has a lot of supporters who love everything he produces and worry about his well-being. Plus, Michael Jackson, like chocolate, has been available in a variety of shades over the years. If Michael hadn't been busy with that court case, there's no way we'd have ever seen Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka (no sniggering at the back there...).
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 AUGUSTUS GLOOP
 Yes, yes, it's dreadfully cruel to mock Michelle's size, especially now that she's making such efforts to shrink down. And this is probably why she was never considered for the role of the tubby lummox who can't ever stop eating chocolate. Well, that and that fact that Augustus is a boy. And German. Still, which of us can honestly say we wouldn't like to see Michelle fall into a big brown river, and then get sucked into a big glass pipe that she then gets stuck in, before sheer chocolate pressure forces her through like an enormous cork out of a bottle? Sadly, it'll never happen now, specially as all that weight-loss means she'd probably slip through those choc pipes with ease. Some people are so selfish!
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 VERUCCA SALT
 When it comes to being a massively spoilt brat, demanding only the very finest things in life with absolutely no regard for the poor souls who have to provide them, kids have got nothing on pop stars. Could a child demand 60 dressing rooms for all of her friends and then insist they be decorated in the finest materials known to man? No. Could a child refuse to go somewhere because they don't 'do' stairs and there are no puppies for them to stroke? Nu-Uh. In fact, chances are Mariah Carey was originally cast to play Veru...sorry, Miss Salt, and then refused to enter the chocolate factory unless the whole film was retitled Princess Verucca And The Magic Jelly House, and she got to sing all the Oompa Loompa songs too.
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 THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS
 Speaking of which...this lot must've been the hardest characters to cast for the film. Modern technology being what it is, there's no need to trawl the world looking for dwarf actors who can dance and sing when you can just get one bloke in to do the lot, and then copy him using clever computer technology. But you still have to get exactly the right person to play Willy Wonka's tiny musical workforce. What you're after is an undersized cheeky chappy with a tendancy to sing nonsense words that sound like Scooby Doo gargling with marbles. You'd want him to have a face like squashed plasticine, but have sprung heels like Tigger so he can do all those dance routines. Not sure which is more unsettling, that Jamie didn't get the job or that there's more than one Cullum-esque diddy-man on the planet.
Fraser M
18/08/2005
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Which other pop persons should've been in Willy Wonka?
sarah b
beyonce Knowells should be Violet
trecoolhugger
yeah, johnny depp rocks, but i heard that htey were gonna ask Marylin Manson to do it. that woulda been way goood!!
amy
i think eddie murphy wold of been good because he is well funny and the best sctor in the whole world!!!!!!!
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It's Party Time!  |
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We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
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Big Bother |
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The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
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When Song Titles Go Silly |
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Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
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Dream TOTP Presenters |
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If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
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Web-Singers |
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Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
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Doing It For The Kids |
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What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
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Who Sean Did Next... |
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We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
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Take Cover! |
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Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
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The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
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OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
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They Are The Resurrection |
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This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
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Britain's Next Pop Model |
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Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
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Drama Queens |
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Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
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Pop Conspiracies |
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Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
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I'll Show YOU! |
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Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
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Crapper Rappers |
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Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
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Reality Pop Stars |
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They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
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Indie-lympics |
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They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
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Daft Predictions: 2006 |
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What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
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Secret Santa |
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If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
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Xmas Turkeys |
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The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
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Toy Story |
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Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
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Rock School |
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Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
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Name Academy |
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Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
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Food Fighters |
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As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
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Arty Popstars |
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They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
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Oi You! Outside Now! |
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If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
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Grow A Spine! |
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Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
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Eaten By The Pop Beast |
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What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
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These Words...Are Bonkers |
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Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
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Too Long Titles |
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When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
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Oi! Cheer up! |
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It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
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Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
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The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
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Parent Repellants |
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Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
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Non-Stop Popsters |
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Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
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Diet Hards |
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A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
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Bond Rocking Beats |
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Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
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Endorse-Mentalists |
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Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
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Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
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We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
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Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
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No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
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Crooner Eclipse |
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We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
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Tell It To The Judge |
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They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
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Welcome Back! |
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The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
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Britney's Auction Items |
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Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
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The People That Elton Wronged |
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You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
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Lord Of The Blings |
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This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
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You Still Here? |
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The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
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Ice Queens |
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These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
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Have-A-Go Heroes |
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Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
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Cover Calamities |
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If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
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Skinny Indie Kids |
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Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
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