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It's Party Time!  |
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We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
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Big Bother |
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The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
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When Song Titles Go Silly |
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Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
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Dream TOTP Presenters |
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If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
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Web-Singers |
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Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
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Doing It For The Kids |
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What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
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Who Sean Did Next... |
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We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
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Take Cover! |
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Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
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The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
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OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
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They Are The Resurrection |
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This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
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Britain's Next Pop Model |
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Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
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Drama Queens |
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Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
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Pop Conspiracies |
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Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
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I'll Show YOU! |
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Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
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Crapper Rappers |
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Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
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Reality Pop Stars |
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They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
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Indie-lympics |
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They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
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Daft Predictions: 2006 |
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What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
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Secret Santa |
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If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
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Xmas Turkeys |
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The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
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Toy Story |
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Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
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Rock School |
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Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
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Name Academy |
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Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
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Food Fighters |
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As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
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Arty Popstars |
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They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
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Oi You! Outside Now! |
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If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
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Grow A Spine! |
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Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
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Eaten By The Pop Beast |
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What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
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These Words...Are Bonkers |
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Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
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Too Long Titles |
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When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
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Oi! Cheer up! |
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It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
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Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
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The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
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Parent Repellants |
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Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
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Non-Stop Popsters |
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Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
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Diet Hards |
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A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
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Bond Rocking Beats |
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Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
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Endorse-Mentalists |
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Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
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Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
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We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
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Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
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No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
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Crooner Eclipse |
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We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
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Tell It To The Judge |
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They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
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Welcome Back! |
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The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
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Britney's Auction Items |
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Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
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The People That Elton Wronged |
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You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
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Lord Of The Blings |
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This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
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You Still Here? |
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The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
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Ice Queens |
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These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
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Have-A-Go Heroes |
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Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
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Cover Calamities |
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If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
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Skinny Indie Kids |
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Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
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NELLY
Nelly's shift from 'sipping' (half singing, half rapping) to full blown 'stinging' (work it out for yourself) has been a two gear affair. We reckon that Nelly must have clapped ears on Tim McGraw's half of 'Over And Over' and thought "Yeah. Uh! I can, yeah yeah, do this. Uh!" Next thing you know, he's singing all of his own bits, and he's only half bad. Return single 'N Dey Say' is a different matter entirely though. Not even Spandau Ballet can make Nelly sound good, and at one point, if you listen very carefully after that ribcage-collapsing "Whooooooaaaaaooooo", you can hear him crying "What have I done?" Shame...
50 CENT
Repeated listens to 'Candy Shop' reveal that technically, Fiddy is the second best singer out of this lot. Even though that's like saying that Sarah has the second biggest beard in Girls Aloud. However, the fact that he can't talk about anything other than ladies, his wotsits, and various combinations of both means that he loses overall points. So although he might not need singing lessons as much as everyone else, he's most in need of having a permanently ice cold shower installed over his head. And blinkers on. And electrodes attached to his...
EMINEM
OK, you'd have to go a long way to find someone who doesn't love or respect Eminem that DOESN'T own two eyebrows and hail from Manchester. But really, Marshall, while you are the undisputed king of syllable bending word hockey, that voice would have a stone statue gritting its teeth. Heyley must be well chuffed that she gets a song all to herself, but does it have to make every cat in the area think that tonight's its lucky night? Come on, Shady, leave the singing to the professionals... and Robbie Williams.
FAT JOE
They say they it isn't over till the fat lady sings. Well, for future reference R 'n' B boys and girls, try and make sure it is all over before Fat Joe even steps up for the chorus. 'Hold You Down'? 'HOLD YOU DOWN'? You'll need tying down to be able to withstand Joe's camp he-wolf impression. Granted, Joe's singing voice might make Jennifer Lopez sound good, but it's like comparing Crazy Frog to Celine Dion (see what we did there?) and that's not good no matter how much you filter it.
BIZARRE
They say it ain't over till the fat lady sings. Oh, we've done that bit. OK, you might remember Bizarre as the guy dressed up like a diva (sparkly dress and all) in D12's 'My Band' video. If only he had the voice to go with it. As it goes, when Bizarre sings "I'm a rock star", it's like a dawn chorus of rusty chainsaws being dragged over a chain of grumpy car alarms, next to a day care centre for insomniac babies, who've not had their tea yet, hate what's on the menu and might just possibly be in need of a nappy change. With beats.
