TOTP: If you're hugging someone who is upset, is it wrong to enjoy the hug?
Paul: Definitely not.
Dan: No! I think that's okay.
Paul: I think all hugs should be enjoyed.
Richard: I think they're the most enjoyable. [All laugh.]

TOTP: Have you ever noticed someone absent-mindedly rubbing your elbow/knee/ear while you're talking to them?
Richard: Um...not that I'm...no.
Dan: No, that's never happened to me, and I'm quite upset about it.
Paul: Yeah, why...?
Richard: That's a good point, actually.
Dan: Yeah, why don't people do that to us?
Paul: Yeah, why don't I get rubbed? Do you just mean on the tube, or...?
TOTP: Anywhere! We were thinking, in future, of hiring people just to stand there and rub you while we're doing interviews...
Dan: That's a really good idea. Parky does it, doesn't he?
Richard: Parky does it!
Dan: With the knee, he touches the knee. Just... [demonstrates on Richard] there you go.
Paul: That would count, wouldn't it?
Dan: We haven't been on Parky yet, but when we do, we'll be looking forward to that.
Paul: You get the extra-long handshake thing, but that's not absent-minded. Some people, they shake your hand, but it keeps going for ages [demonstrates on himself, impressively] and they're still talking to you and you're still shaking - it's a bit ridiculous.

TOTP: You've got your hand on a bar when a woman with large boobs leans on it - what do you do?
Dan: Ohhhh!
Richard: Oh, God!
Dan: You wait, and hope that it goes away. That's the only way to deal with it - wait and hope that it goes away. Or...offer to buy her a drink, and then she'll get served quicker. If you offer to buy her a drink, she'll get served quicker, then she'll be away quicker and then you get your hand back.
Paul: I think I'd look for something nearby and say "Excuse me, could you pass that beer mat, there?" so that she'd move and then - [makes whipping sound] - pull my hand back. Distraction!

TOTP: What about if a drunk person begins rubbing up against you on the dance floor?
Richard: Depends how good-looking they are!
Paul: Depends whether you know them or not! If it's one of them [gestures at his band mates], that happens all the time.
Dan: That happens a lot. Inter-band rubbing.
Richard: Inter-band grinding!
Paul: You know, you go into a club in a new town and you don't know anyone, so you just rub against each other. It's all you can do, isn't it?
Richard: It's something to do.

TOTP: Has anyone ever insisted on giving you a massage in public?
Richard: Insisted? I've asked them to, but for some reason they turn me down.
Dan: [incredulously] Where are these people?
Paul: They just stand in Trafalgar Square!
Dan: These people coming up to you, rubbing against you, boobs on your hand - where are these people?
TOTP: Sometimes people who work for massage companies come up to people in bars and ask if they can massage you...
Paul: Yeah, they do....
Dan: I did have one of those once, and I agreed because I felt a bit embarrassed by the situation. It was a really empty bar and I did actually have one of those massages and it was just so awkward.
Richard: And it made you more tense!
Dan: "Just relax!" It was so awkward.
Paul: What's more awkward than that is if you're in a hairdresser's and they decide to massage your head.
Richard: I like that.
Paul: Yeah, but it's a bit "can I close my eyes or not?"
Richard: I like that, I like it.
Paul: I want to close my eyes, but it just feels a bit...
Dan: You don't want to get too into it.
Paul: I'm not sure how to treat that.

TOTP: What would you say was the size of your personal space?
All: [laugh]
TOTP: You're very glad we said personal space, aren't you?
Richard: I didn't think we were going down there!
Dan: My personal space is probably - it goes in. It's not even out, I don't even have that much.
Richard: Yeah, it's minus-four inches.
Dan: Minus-four inches! [Laughs]
Paul: You can't really have a personal space in London, I don't think - not with the tube and everything else.
TOTP: How would you prefer to mark it - with invisible barbed wire or a secret warning odour?
Dan: I'd go for the barbed wire. The odour's just going to put people off. At least barbed wire - people won't know why they're suddenly gashed.
TOTP: Plus, with the odour, people might not get that it marks your personal space - they might just think you smell...
Dan: Well, I have the odour anyway.
Paul: I like the idea of an invisible person with a plastic bottle - like an empty plastic Coke bottle that can whack 'em on the head. [Demonstrates.] Repeated beatings.

TOTP: How do you get around having a diabolical itch in the middle of a busy high street?
Dan: Oh, scratch away. I don't care, just go for it.
TOTP: Does it matter where the itch is?
Dan: Doesn't matter. No, the more diabolical the better. Just do it - people need to get over it, don't they? Everyone does it, everyone has an itch, it doesn't matter how cool you are. You've still got an itch, you've got to scratch it.
Paul: And if you see someone doing it, you can offer to help them out. You can say "Do you want me to itch that?" if it's in an awkward place or something that they can't reach.
Richard: It brings people together.
Dan: Scratching should not be a social faux pas in this day and age. There's too many of them, and scratching really shouldn't be one of them.
TOTP: We're going to bust that taboo, right here right now.
Dan: Starting right here.

TOTP: What do you do if someone falls asleep on you?
Paul: [laughs] Just stroke their hair...
Dan: [laughs] Depends...
Richard: Again, depends on who they are!
Dan: And whereabouts on you...
Paul: Pick them up and take them home with you. Put them to bed.
Richard: [laughs] And that's it?
Paul: Yes! "Put them to bed", I said, I didn't... [looks slightly sheepish] you know, with a cup of cocoa.
Dan: Tuck them in and leave them.
Paul: Yeah. Go and sleep on the sofa. Good Samaritan.