TOTP: What do you envisage a future Queen's speech to be like?
Nick: How far into the future? Next year?
Ricky: As far as you want to go, really?
Nick: Well, next year would be very similar, but in 20 years maybe Prince Charles will be giving the King's speech.

TOTP: King Charles III.
Nick: King Charles III - that sounds great.
Ricky: (sneezes). In the future we're all going to have bird flu, so we'll all be sneezing. There will be no turkey, because they will all be banned because of the bird flu, and I'll be sneezing because I'm allergic to bird flu.


Nick: It'll be boiling hot and we'll have barbeques on the beach. And polar bears will come flowing by on rivers.
Ricky: But they won't be called polar bears any more - they'll be call kingfisher bears because they will have blended and mutated with birds. Arctic is Greek for bear, and polar bears live up there at the top. Antarctic means 'anti-bear' - and that's at the bottom.
Nick: So, anyway, the King's speech I think will go something like this, because he's quite old.
Ricky: You have to fiddle with your ring a bit...
Nick: (tries to do the voice) I'd like to say what a marvellous time I've been having...
TOTP: I think you've gone into Jimmy Saville.
Nick: I'm having a marvellous time as Kaiser Chiefs make their 88th album. And their great, great, great grandaughters are pretty fine.

TOTP: Are you going to follow the route of words like Enjoyment and Employment for successive album titles?
Ricky: No, can you think of another one?
TOTP: Deployment? That'll be the militaristic one.
Ricky: Nah, we're over that word-play thing now. The next album is going to be called:
Nick: Box Ten.
Ricky: Is going to be called:
Nick: Tom Jones.
Ricky: Is going to be called:
Nick: Sandy Shaw. Petula Clarke.

TOTP: Back to the King's speech. In terms of the broadcast itself, would you like a skippable index of content?
Nick: No, not at all.
TOTP: A selection of fruity camera angles?
Nick: No.
Ricky: I'd like it to have a film in the middle, and he has to introduce it. You know, like the big Christmas Day film. Say it was Jurassic Park 8. "Now, take a break and watch Jurassic Park 8: Lost In The Forest."


Nick: Lost In Bermuda.
Ricky: Lost In Bermuda. Then I'll be back to finish off and wrap it up.

TOTP: So, he does the continuity then?
Nick: Yeah, all day! He does all the TV programmes.
TOTP: Now we're talking!
Ricky: With Chris Evans as his wife, Buttons...

TOTP: What about the EastEnders Christmas Special of the future?
Nick: EastEnders would have finished by then, because it's poor.
TOTP: There's usually some kind of juxtaposition at Christmas, between somebody getting killed or born.
Nick: How about some kind of disaster? Coronation Street is fantastic on Christmas Day. They just come out with the maddest, most disastrous things. Do you remember a couple of years ago when Dev... his ex-wife kidnapped his new wife.
Ricky: Can I make a point about Christmas television? They pull out all the stops, put on all these great programmes, put on all these great films, have all these great storylines - and concentrate it all in one place. Why don't they spread it out across the year, because Christmas Day is the only day where there are so many other things to do to keep you entertained, other than watch television. Lets say some people open presents - the wealthy of us - and then some people eat turkey - the meat-eaters amongst us. It's the last time you want great films on. You want great films on a Saturday, March 10th.
TOTP: Because you're not doing much on that day.
Ricky: Not doing much at all next year.
Nick: I was on this plane and the paper was a two-day-old paper. And Pick Of The Day was Carry On Constable - on at 1.15 on Channel 4. What a treat! I would have tidied up the house, got my duvet out, had lots of cups of tea...
TOTP: TOTP: Worth the Licence Fee?
Ricky: I've got a lot of things to say about the Licence Fee. In the future it won't be called the Licence Fee, it'll be the Licence Feed...

TOTP: Will we have sprouts in the future?
Nick: Yes, twice the size they are now. Which will be weird.


TOTP: GM sprouts. If we can do that, surely we can create a palatable taste too?
Nick: Simon Ricks, bass player of the Kaiser Chiefs, enjoys sprouts a lot.
Ricky: I think they're great. Imagine them twice their normal size.
TOTP: Wouldn't that be cabbage?
Ricky: That would be ten times their normal size.
TOTP: Toys of the future. Invent your own toy for us.
Ricky: Some kind of Tracey Island.
Nick: Make your own crisps. It would chop them all up and add flavours. And you could design your own crisp packets with a CD Rom. And you could print them out on special sheets of paper.
Ricky: My First Tattoo Kits for the under-12's. With templates, like a Spirograph. You don't want to botch it up with some bad drawing, do you?
Nick: A remote-controlled car.
TOTP: A real car?
Victim: No, a car this size (makes out size of small toy), four wheels like a car. But you could control it remotely by a little unit that you held in your hands. Imagine that.
Ricky: Or a mop top burger shop.
TOTP: What about a remote-controlled remote control?
Nick: That would be ace.
TOTP: You'd never find it, though.

Ricky: Marty said the other day that there was a remote-controlled car that went at 200 miles an hour. Now, the fault with this is that as soon as you pressed go and it went at 200 miles an hour, in 20 seconds it would be out of range. You wouldn't be able to see it.
Nick: It would be good if you had a friend who lived down the M1 who needed a button. You could tape it to the car...


Nick: I had a car when I was a kid, before radio controlled cars were really around. It had a clicker that made a really loud clicking noise. And the car could hear the clicking noise and if you did two clicks it turned right and if you did one click it turned left.

TOTP: Finally, the Santa Claus of the future.
Ricky: I think they'll phase him out and replace him with the Arctic Monkeys or Captain Birdseye or something.
TOTP: All of the Arctic Monkeys in one outfit.
Nick: Captain Birdseye? They had the muscle man for a while but now he's back to the old geezer. I think Crispin Mills should do it. What's he doing these days?

TOTP: Have you got a crap Christmas cracker joke?
Ricky: I went to the zoo the other day. It wasn't a very good zoo - it only had one dog. It was a shihtzu...
Nick: What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto.