BLOG ENTRY BY: Madonna*
CREATED: 24/02/2006

OMG!!!

Right, I was SO totally going down the shops with Guy and Lourdes and Rocco and the butler and the nanny and the driver and the gardener and the other butler and the spare nanny and the master-at-arms and Cook - you know, just my TOTAL INSIDER clique and me - and as usual we was blasting out, like, hardcore hip hop and rap and, like, rilly rilly UNDERGROUND dance, er, choons and that, yeah?

And it was SO funny cos when we was going down the road, right, Guy nearly tripped on his shoelaces? And he, like, could have SO fallen COMPLETELY over? And, like, banged his face? Oh, GOD, we were all, like, SO completely wetting ourselves, right? Cook had this, like, GREAT BIG SNOT BUBBLE? And I, like, nearly had a TOTAL HERNIA? (ignore what the tabloids say, we were, like SO laughing and TOTALLY having, like, fits, yeah? If that's what a hernia is, then I COMPLETELY had one, innit!)

Anyway, what happened is, right, is Guy, right, he pulled this total gimpazoid face when he nearly fell over? And it was all, like, the STUPIDEST FACE I have EVER SEEN! And just as he was looking like this complete RETARD MONKEY SPANNER? Something TOTALLY AMAZING happened to the iPod, yeah?

We'd been rocking, like, the HARDEST STREET SOUNDS you ever heard in your life, yeah? Like rilly, rilly EXTREME mash-ups of hard-house-hop-metal...er...core, y'know? Cook was throwing down some total street vibe body moves, and nearly scuffed her box-fresh Nikes, so we was all like "WhoooAH! EASY!" and that, yeah?

And, like, just right then, it was SO AMAAAZING, cos someone must've knocked the iPod onto Guy's playlist, which normally NO-ONE is allowed to do unless we're all playing in the garden and he's having one of his, like, OLD MOMENTS.

It's always SO embarrassing when he does it, cos we'll be all like "the olds, right, they don't understand us kids, yeah?" and he'll be all like "I say, do any of you, ah, 'muppets' fancy a quick round of croquet on the lawn, erm, geezah?" and we'll be all like "Oh my God I can't believe you just said that! 'LAAAAAWN!', that's just so TOTALLY STUPID. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" like that, yeah?

Anyway what it is, right, is that next this TOTALLY WICKED and, like, MASSIVELY HARDCORE dance choon came BLASTING out of the portable speakers we got from Harro...er...Argos (Argus? Suttin' like that anyway). It was like this AMAZING TOTAL SYNTH MELTDOWN, yeah? And straight away I got my SPECIAL TOTAL POP FEELING, which I get because I'm basically a sort of witch or vampire or something. I totally am because I really like black things? And, like, death? And black cats TOTALLY follow me around? And once, right, I cut my finger and then drank the blood? So that makes me, like, one of the UNDEAD, innit?

So I straight away started GETTING MY FREAK, y'know, ON? I was BUSTING CRAZY MOVES all over the high street. And OH MY GOD it was MENTAL, right, cos my skirt just FELL DOWN, yeah? Luckily I was wearing my big silky pants, cos that tweed skirt makes my bum all itchy. But the REALLY WEIRD thing, yeah, was that just when I was about to be all "Oh My GOD! I can't believe that just happened you can totally see my pants, Oh My GOD! Don't look! NO! DON'T!", but I saw myself in the window of Harvey Nic...er...Burger King, yeah? And I got my SPECIAL TOTAL POP FEELING all over again!

And just as I was about to ring my video man and my recording studio man and rush off and record a new album based TOTALLY on my new discoveries. I looked at the iPod to check on this WICKED choon that had, like INSPIRED my LATEST RE-INVENTION. And OH MY GOD, do you KNOW what it was, yeah?

'Axel F' by Crazy Frog. I was SO EMBARRASSED! I can't ever go out anywhere in the WORLD AGAIN! Don't even LOOK at me! No! DON'T! GO AWAY! I HATE YOU!

Lots of love

Madonna

*Please don't tell the real Madonna that we wrote this. She'll do those scary eyes at us, and those bony hands look like they'd hurt if raised in anger. In fact, forget you ever read this, OK?