Yes! Today is the 217th day running without anyone coming up to me, making goalposts with their index fingers and saying "Craiiiig Daaaaavid!" at me. I think it's safe to say that the curse of Bo Selecta! has finally been lifted. Thank God!
You've no idea what is was like for me when that show was on. It was like going out with a beautiful lady that you couldn't see properly cos you were afraid to wear your glasses (they're pretty thick y'see), that's torture. I couldn't leave the house because people kept taking the mick.
As for the whole pant-wetting thing. That was a low blow, man! I used to get people shouting in the street: "The toilet's that way, Craig! Quick!" I just want to reassure all the lady fans out there that Craig David is fully potty trained, and he has been for a long long time.
I mean really, the whole thing was never THAT funny anyway. And how inaccurate can you get? I mean, I don't speak with a Northern accent. Well, only when I'm stressed. But the elecution lessons sorted that out years ago. Also, I don't fuss over my hair like that - just a quick cut maybe once or twice a month, a week, on Tuesdays. Just on Tuesdays, yeah. And do you think that Craig David would refer to himself in the third person? Hell no! Not this Craig David!
Seriously, I got really depressed about it. I tried to ring my buddy Michael Jackson to see how he was feeling, but his phone was always engaged for some reason. I wish I could say the same for Mel B's phone. God she goes on!
But enough of that. It's a bo-tiful day. My new mineral water supplement diet is working wonders (three litres a day - it's fantastic!). And I reckon I can safely leave the house without fear of ridicule. I've even got some contact lenses now so I don't have to wear my big thick glasses. Life is looking good! Who knows? There might even be a fine-looking lady out there with my name on it, or even better, a lady for each name. Bonus!
I need to nip out and buy some mineral water anyway. I'm down to me last six litres. I really get through it these days. Anyway, back in a bit!
Argh! I can't believe my lousy stinking stupid crappy luck! I should have turned back when one of me contact lenses popped out. Before I could pick it up a load of ants had swarmed all over it. So after scorching their little behinds with me specs, I carried on up to the shop, hoping that no one would recognise me.
Next thing I know, I hear this buzzing sound, and I turn around to see a blummin swarm of bees gathering round me 'ead. So I start running, with all these bees chasing me. It were a nightmare!
Luckily, I make it t'shop, and when I look out the window, I can see them waiting for me outside. I can't wait there forever, and I need to get home cos I'm starting to really need a wee (lousy stupid water supplement diet). Hang on. Ace idea! I'll buy an extra bottle of water so I can use it as a water cannon. That'll sort 'em. So, armed with me water bottle, I storm out of the shop and before the bees can strike, I spray them with water. Aha!
It doesn't work, and before long, I'm getting mad stung by bees. Me face, me chin. One of the little tykes even gets me on the tongue. That was right painful I tell thee. Eventually they lose interest and buzz off to hassle some other sweet-smelling R&B sensation, but not before me face and tongue feel dead numb and swollen. I felt like crying.
By now, loads of people are looking at me. "What you looking at? It's just me, Craaiiig Daviiid" I try to say, but me tongue isn't working properly. So I rush home before anyone else can see. Good job too really, cos I really needed the toilet.
Then when I got home, I noticed that I didn't need the toilet anymore. Then I realised...
Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
