9am: Hiya All! I'm so excited as today's the day of My Really Big Event. It's a night of glitz and glamour so big that it makes 'Glitter' look like a flop by comparison. What's that? Shut it!
I've flown into liddle 'ol London town in the state of Englandville, and taken over both the Savoy and the Hilton to prepare for tonight. The fools promised me they'd build a walkway between the two, but it's not done yet. Amateurs! I have to take a helicopter ride every time I need to go to the bathroom. It's mighty inconvenient.
10am: The magazine bidding war has begun. I'm not getting all dolled up if the pics aren't splashed over all the cool glossy mags. My fabulous P.A. Mindy-Sue is fielding calls from 'Hello!', 'OK!' 'Startled Hamster Monthly' and 'Celebrity Dog Magazine'. I guess the last one's for my pooch Jack. He's got his own website, but rarely does interviews.
Best offer I've had so is from Top of the Pops magazine - a night out with McFly and all the twiglets I can eat. Tempting, but I think I'll hold out for 'Vanity Fair'.
11.30am: Mindy-Sue will not be joining me for the rest of my fabulous career. She is sooo axed. For goodness sake - when I ask for water, I expect it to at least come from a nearby mountain stream. What exactly is a 'tap' anyhow? Tammy-Lynn will be handling all my essential needs from now on.
12 noon: Lunch. Don't ask. They forgot the ketchup on my curly fries. Have they no class?
1pm: Finally those fools here at the hotel are making all the changes I requested. Hotel suite completely pink? Check. Hotel completely pink? Check. Nelson's Column removed so it doesn't block my balcony of Westminstershire Palace? Still working on that one.
3pm: All my showbiz pals are jetting in from New York on my private airliner, 'Bling One'. Paris, J-Lo, P Diddy, Ricky Gervais. The usual gang. Ricky wants me to play a crazy, power-mad diva for his new TV show. I'm always looking for big acting challenges - not just playing myself - so I may do it.
4pm: Get out of here, Tammy-Lynn. You ain't got no clue, girl. I said I wanted Eminem dipped in chocolate, not M & M chocolates. Dumb ass! And where are those rollerskating chimps dressed as Westlife I asked for?
4.15pm: Sammy-Jo is now in charge and has everything under control. Except the swans. She. Will. Not. Fail. Me.
6.30pm: My stylists have just left. There's Dwayne, Shane, Elaine, Ethane, and Blane - they paint the toenails on my left foot. I won't list the other twenty- I might break a nail on the keyboard.
I've had my hair styled just like Beyonce. Actually, it is Beyonce's hair. It took five people to hold her down while they shaved it off, apparently. Looks waaay nicer on me, doncha think?
8pm: Sammy-Jo, what in heavens were you thinking? Never fill my Cadillac with lead-free petrol! It takes only the finest virgin olive oil, pressed on the thighs of young Grecian studs as they lie on a Mediterranean hillside. That or a good squirt of diesel...
9.30pm: My route to The Big Event is through the Mall - and it looks fabulous. I've had the trees completely sprayed with my new perfume, 'Insanity' ('cos you'd be insane not to buy it). They say the streets of London are paved with gold - well, they are now. Fort Knox are must be running mighty low, but it looks fabulous!
The escort of police horses is a nice touch - especially getting them to ride motorcycles. Neat. The little house at the end looks real cute. Reminds me of one of the smaller wings of my Manhattan mansion. I love my WiFi laptop - should be at My Big Showbiz Event soon.
1am: Disaster! What a humiliating evening. Where was the world's media? Where were my adoring fans? Where were the three for two offers on Ready Meals and Buy One, Get One Free diet colas? This is the first and last time I go late night shopping at Tesco.
I got in the 'Six Items or Less' line by mistake, then Sammy-Jo lost my loyalty card. She's out on the street tomorrow. J-Lo fell in the freezer and P-Diddy got into a fight at the deli counter over his portion of spicy sausage. It used to be so much easier to send Mindy-Sue to the Budgens on Broadway for my Turkey Twizzlers. Where are you Mindy-Sue? Anyone? Is there anyone there? Hello?
