Right then, is this thing on? Well there's a light on. Oh sod it.
Hello, Charlotte Church 'ere... talkin' to you live from tonight's pop extravaganza at London's Earl's Court. I'll be your guide through tonight's awards, giving you my own highly unique opinion of the stars who're attending and well, anything else what goes on at these posh do's innit. Well, that's me excited, what about you lot? Eh? Oh sorry - I'm being told to get on with it.
So here we are - oh I've done that bit. The first stretched limo is just arriving. Aw! Reminds me of my first ride in a stretch - when I was 14! Tellin' ya, folks. It's like having an entire school bus all to yourself! It was rockin'! The experience I mean, not the vehicle, obviously.
The scumbag paparazzi are all there. Gah! Vultures, I tell you! Ah! Here we go! The first celebrities to walk up the red carpet tonight are Girls Aloud. Well, I say celebs. You know what I mean. But I have to say, what I admire about Girls Aloud is their ability to all wear the same outfit and STILL look good. I mean, it makes perfect sense dunnit? If you know an outfit works, just times it by five and you're laughing. Well I am anyway. You've gotta admit though, fellas. That's one gorgeous set of girls though, eh? No not you, Gavin! Right, you're dead when we get 'ome!
Anyway. I could talk about those girls till they all came home, but there's another limo pulling up. And look! It's Liam Gallagher. I LOVE Liam Gallagher, folks! He's mint! I don't know if you read it in all the tabloids and some of those big posh papers what businessmen read, but he said I was the new him! I was gonna return the compliment and say that he was the old me, but that'd make him a twelve year old girl, and he'd never get served in pubs. Mind you, at least then he could learn to pluck his eyebrows, eh? Ha ha!
Oh and now the red carpet is awash with stars. Oh, and Natasha Bedingfield! Aw, bless! Ello luv!
Er, anyway, there goes Liam and his famous wife er, whatsername. Cor! She's lush! I would, I tell you! Look at that miniskirt! I want that! Oh and who's this coming out of the limo after them? Ugh! It's that evil witch Rebecca Loos! Ugh! Look at her. She's mingin! Looks like she's got dog poo on 'er heels an all! Disgusting! Gor, I tell you, if I had some
rotten fruit right now I'd be flingin' it in 'er direction. Oooh! Where's me drink gone? Tut! I only put it down for a sec. Gav! Get me a drink willya! An' I want the change!
Ahem! Sorry about that folks. Now where were we? Oh now this is more like it! I never thought I'd see the day when Elton John wore bright orange hair extensions, but here we are. And really, I hope you're getting this at home, folks, because that is a truly fabulous frock he's got on there. Wait a sec, he's turning this way. 'Ang on, that's not Elton, it's Geri Halliwell!
