Jay-Z - 'Show Me What You Got'

Yes, Jay-Z announced his retirement two years ago, but clearly a potter round the house, a few rounds of golf and a Saga holiday isn't enough to keep the old man down. The few tracks he's since recorded with his lady love and various homies have encouraged hip hop's self-proclaimed saviour to stage a resurrection.

Admittedly, he hasn't spent too much of his time working out the nuances of this track - it's a tarted up rap-over of Public Enemys 'Show Em Whatcha Got'. But the minute he starts giggling "I'm sorry! I'm back! Hee hee hee!" over the top, you're already glad he is.

It's a song that sparked an FBI investigation. It's a song that makes you want to put on some glad-rags and head down to a Monte Carlo casino. Just imagine how much better the new Bond film would have been with this, rather than that Chris Cornell muck. Choon!

Take That - 'Patience'

Quick history lesson for you young 'uns, Take That were the band Robbie Williams used to be in before he was the very famous solo star Robbie Williams. They were the template for all boybands that came after them, and they had some tunes which were good and some tunes which were not. Their lead singer and songwriter was called Gary Barlow.

And now they are back. Gary Barlow is still the lead singer and songwriter, and he's written a great big power ballad, like he used to do, only with some modern indie touches so's not to seem like his band are stuck in the past.

As comebacks go, it's neither genius nor idiocy. TT fans won't be put off, newbies won't be converted. They're still four blokes in a line, one singing, three looking hot, only they're all a bit older now. Life. Goes. On.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - 'Snow (Hey Oh)'

It must be hard trying to think of new ways to tackle a funky rock tune. Which is why we might all have to forgive the Chilis this good, but not quite hot enough single.

They go into the song with great intentions, the usual quick-talk singing is still with us, but comes with a very nice rippling guitar riff and skipping bass, which lets them get away with the slightly deja-vu Kiedis vocals.

It's just a shame they seem to run out of energy before they get the chance to deliver a manly head-nodding chorus. "Hey oh, now listen what I say" sounds more like a "please don't hate me!" than an "Oi, you lot! Ass-quake time!" which is more the kind of this we like to expect from the guys. Can't win them all, eh?

Pink - 'Nobody Knows'

Um, Pink? Hi there. Is it possible...I mean, would you mind if we just had a quick chat? It's about your single choices. You may not have noticed, but there are a couple of tracks on your current album that are crying out to be singles. 'Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)', for example. Or the frankly awesome 'Cuz I Can'.

So why have you decided to release this plodding, piano-y, navel-gazing track about how hard your life is? You get that point across much better with the angry, feisty numbers. Can you not leave the wrung-out power ballads to your old pal Christina Aguilera? You have to admit, she does them better.

This is in no way a suitable follow-up to 'U + Ur Hand', y'know. We're deeply, deeply disappointed. Now go away and think about what you've done.

Jet - 'Bring It On Back'

Hey, cleverdick-rockspotters, don't be pointing the finger at this lot and accusing them of just sounding like the highlights of your dad's record collection. That's just mean and lazy, OK?

For starters, look around you. From Franz to the Feeling, everyone sounds like the olden days only modern-er these days, right? (That bang behind you is your English teacher exploding at the poor grammar in that last sentence.)

And anyway, just cos this is the sound of an Oasis ballad with some of the air taken out, and is in no way within a millionth as good as S Club 7's song of the same name, doesn't mean you have to be smug about it, OK? They tried REALLY HARD to be better than this. You can just tell.

Lemar - 'Someone Should Tell You'

This doesn't exactly reek of lyrical genius or take soul to a new level. But because this guy has such a gorgeously smooth, vintage soul voice he can distract anyone from a very mediocre, Average Joe track, and make it sound great.

And that puts the listener in one of those "do I, don't I?" situations. On the one hand it's a cute slice of Lemar love, but on the other, can you really get into a song fully when you're all too aware that if someone else sung it you'd be yawning or pouncing on it and throwing it in the bin for sheer unoriginality.

Having said that, if he had a song that could match those velvety pipes, he could take over the entire world. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise...

Faithless - 'Bombs'

For a record which aims to fuse the twin excitements of Green Day-style political outrage at the horrors of war, and floor-filling dance beats, this ain't half a mumbly jumble of rumbly bumbling numbness. Part of the problem is the way they've used the noise which is Faithless's greatest asset, namely Maxi Jazz's brainiac snoozyrap.

Where past Faithless tunes have used the calm delivery over barnstorming noise to heighten tension - like 'We Come One' sounding like The Invasion of the Mild People - this doesn't have the apocalypto-beats behind it, and so poor Maxi ends up stuck between some wafty voices which could not sound more bored if they tried.

Which is hardly helpful. The man's got a point to make, people. Give him a hand, eh?

The Feeling - 'I Love It When You Call'

Gah! What is it about the Feeling that make you just wanna wring all your clothes out when they've strummed their last? They're like the Keane you can admit to liking to your rocksnob mates.

And yet, despite all its drippiness, there's something about this song that makes you want to jump up and down in proper pop joy, aged twelve years old, in pigtails. (Ahem!)

At a guess, it's more likely to be the credibly gnarly rock chorus, rather than Dan Gillespie Sells going "Nah nah nah nah, ne nah" at you. But hey, if you like moist, forget about it!