Mum's the Word!
Mum's the Word: Easter Bunny Blues...
Our Bedfordshire housewife and mother is feeling a bit down in the dumps - and it's not because she over indulged on chocolate Easter bunnies!!
The kids are looking a bit nonplussed at the moment, because last night the tooth fairy made an unscheduled visit and left my boys a little message which read;
“In the interests of preventing tooth decay I have removed your chocolate bunnies. Love Mu… Isabella. xx”
Ah, the tedious duties of motherhood never cease...
No more Wogan at Eurovision...
Anyway, the reason I’m feeling blue is that I’ve just discovered Terry Wogan is not commentating at The Eurovision Song Contest this year. This news is like a knife through my heart. How will I endure hours of sickly sweet tunes with hideous titles like “I Love All The World,” “Let’s share Love The World Over,” and “La la, Ding Ding Dong,” (Subtitled “Love Lovely Love”) without my beloved Terry to bring some subtle humour to the proceedings? Of course, the entertaining Graham Norton is replacing dear old Terry but I’m not sure Graham’s remarks about the outlandish fashions will be quite so insincere which is rather worrying.
Still I’m looking forward to the annual bash with the neighbours where we take bets on how few points the UK can get and who can remember the title of the winning tune the next morning. (No one – but you can get some decent odds.) However, betting is a little more difficult this year as the UK entry is written by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Will his millions of fans around the world stop the rot for the UK or will Lord Webber be banished to The Tower looking sad and depressed? Hmm…actually it would be hard to tell if he was sad and depressed because he looks like that all the time doesn’t he? Or is that Julian? Oh I don’t know - they both look like they’ve had a meeting with the Phantom of the Opera. But hey, when you’ve got as much musical talent as they have who cares!
Cliff back in the 70's
My first really vivid recollection of an English Eurovision entry was Cliff Richard singing “Power to all our Friends” back in 1973. (Yes, I am that old.) This was when he perfected the hand held high “I really want to be playing basketball” look. Some people would say that they would have been grateful if he’d stuck to playing basketball but personally I wouldn’t have wanted to have missed out on watching Summer Holiday every school vacation during my youth and contemplating why somebody would want to call their daughter Una Stubbs. I often wondered too why The Shadows were called The Shadows. Perhaps it was because Hank Marvin’s glasses were so big they blocked out the light? Who knows - but I bet Hank was pleased when contact lenses came on the market.
Well I shouldn’t poke fun at people who wear glasses, especially since Christmas I’ve had to start wearing them myself for close up work.
Of course, my husband believes I need them for long distances as well. This is because when he is in the passenger seat of my car his conversation usually amounts to “Oh my God,” “Look out!” and “Nooooooo!” whilst pressing his foot firmly down on an invisible brake pedal. It’s sad when passengers think they can stop a car with invisible pedals isn’t it? I tend to think that once they’ve started that sort of delusional behaviour it won’t be long before they start believing that Andy Murray will win Wimbledon, England will win The Ashes and that Cliff Richard is better at singing than he is at basketball. However, looking on the bright side you’ll know when they start sticking their arms out the window and signalling it’s time to get them committed.
Of course, car driving is a hazardous business. I know this because last year after years of trouble free driving I had a number of “incidents.” Well three “incidents” actually. Fortunately, on a scale of 1 -10 they were all about 0.5 and no one was hurt. In fact two involved unattended cars to which I say – if you’re going to park up a normally empty dirt track in the middle of the countryside please have the common courtesy to park in a Landrover and not a Nissan Micra. At least I then have a chance of spotting you when I’m reversing. Also, if you’re going to park sideways on behind me in a cramped doctor’s surgery car par, please take your medicine before leaving the pharmacy section because there may be a bigger surprise in store for you than finding out your hair loss is the result of watching too many re-runs of Kojak.
Stuck behind the bin men in a one way street!
I’ve read that statistically there are more car accidents in the evening when people are tired and the light is fading. I can believe that and I’m assuming that’s why the refuse collectors always come in the morning. Well… when I say “in the morning,” I actually mean just as I’m setting off on that delightful escapade called The School Run which as every weary mother knows is akin to watching a poorly made disaster movie. In fact, no sooner than I’m in my car than I have to get out again to remove the bin left strategically placed over the driveway. Or else I reverse at such an angle to avoid it that I knock over the neighbour’s bin on the other side of the road. Then, of course, I’m likely to get stuck behind the truck in a one way street with 4 cars behind me, with nowhere to turn around knowing that I’ll never make it to school by 9 am. By this time my blood pressure is soaring through the roof and thoughts of starting a diet have flown out the window to be replaced by thoughts of a giant chocolate bar.
Of course you know what happens when you set off early to avoid the bin men don’t you? Yep, that’s the day when the refuse inspector comes and they pointedly leave your bin, still full, on your driveway because you have inadvertently put an apple core in the recycling bin. This is a serious breach of refuse ethics which may initiate an emergency meeting of the Refuse Committee who will decide whether you should be publicly castigated by sticking large banners over your bin stating “Bin Offender” or pummelled with rotten tomatoes. But heaven help you if your apple core should make it to the recycling dump. Because it’s possible it may be met by a horde of refuse collectors dressed in decontamination suits and remote control sniffer dogs who after sealing off the area and recording the forensic evidence (One apple core; evidence of biting; possible dentures) will ceremoniously burn it on a giant funeral pyre of apple cores thus releasing vast amounts of CO2 into the atmosphere. And it will be all your fault!
You just can’t win can you? I’m waiting for the day I get a sticker which says “Bin Offender; too many baked beans tins. Reduce your emissions now.”
Doing our bit!!
On a serious note we all have to do our bit to help reduce C02 emissions, save energy and help to reduce the possible effects of climate change. In fact as my car needed replacing (no questions please) I chose the most economic model I could afford which suited my needs. (Note; it wasn’t a Panzer Tank.) Anyhow, I’ve worked out that the increased fuel efficiency will save me a lot of money and drastically reduce my carbon footprint. (It also has the added benefit that people are not totally sure if I am the person who crashed into them which is pleasing as the wig and false nose were becoming pretty uncomfortable) However, we can all do simple things like switching to long life bulbs and reusable carrier bags and turning off unnecessary lights without even having to make too much effort and in doing so we will help to stem the tide of global warming which can only be a good thing.
In fact I’m so enthuastic about recycling at the moment I’m thinking of a career change. Hmm… I wonder if the council has any vacancies for refuse collectors? With my driving experience I reckon I’m suitably qualified. I might have to give up apples though which would be unfortunate but just think about all the possible benefits; I could take my kids to school in the truck and no one would get in my way. Oh what joy! And maybe, if I was very lucky, when the truck retired from usage I could convert it into a deluxe camping van (with an inbuilt waste disposal system) and drive around Europe listening to Cliff Richard during the summer holidays.
What a delicious thought….. Watch out Una. Here I come!
last updated: 16/04/2009 at 12:37
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