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You are in: Beds Herts and Bucks > Comic Relief > Have a laugh with Lorna!

Comic Relief 2009

Have a laugh with Lorna!

BBC Three Counties Radio presenter Lorna Milton has challenged her 'Out and About Boy' Tim Wheeler to collect a thousand jokes for Comic Relief - can you help him??!!!

Lorna Milton

Lorna has set the challenge!

Having failed miserably at his first attempt as a stand up comic, Tim now needs to collect a thousand jokes from across Beds, Herts and Bucks so he can use them to improve his act in time for his next comedy performance.

Keen to get started as soon as possible, Tim has enlisted the help of his BBC Three Counties Radio colleagues... starting with Lorna's joke!

Q: What happened to the Dutch girl with inflatable shoes…
A: She popped her clogs!

Yes - we know!! It's not exactly the best joke in the world....  so it's a good job Tim has been getting 'out and about' across Beds, Herts and Bucks collecting more side-splitting howlers!!  Keep up with his travels here:


Jonathan Vernon-Smith

Office joker JVS came up with this cracker:

JVS

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert...

They see a tree  in the distance
As they get nearer they see it's draped with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon
"Hey Pepe", says the first man
"Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"

Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets
"What happened?" shouts Pepe

With his last breath, his friend shouts
"Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree... Ees a ham bush!!"

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Stephen Rhodes

No Irish jokes from our Breakfast Show presenter...

Stephen Rhodes

A bird is a bit late in flying south for the winter… and as he’s flying through the air he freezes over and falls to the earth like a stone.
While he’s lying there frozen a cow walks past and poos on him..
The heat from the poo starts to defrost him and before long he is lying there feeling so much warmer and he starts to sing.
A cat walking past hears him sing and eats him.

The moral of this story is..
Not everyone who poos on you is your enemy
Not everyone who digs you out of the poo is your friend
And if you find yourself in the poo…keep you mouth shut

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Kelly Betts

Kelly Betts

Kelly Betts from BBC Introducing... had everyone giggling with:

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interup...
MMMMOOOOOOO.

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Allen Cook

Journalist and Consumer Show new boy Allen had everyone in the newsroom rolling on the floor with his joke!

Allen Cook

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday!

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Lorna Hankin

Lorna Hankin

Journalist and Look East reporter Lorna certainly scraped the barrel to come up with this joke!

"A man walked into a bar....  Ouch!"

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Liz Flower

Liz Flower

Journalist Liz had us all groaning with her joke!

"Two elephants fall off a cliff.... Boom! Boom!"

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Gareth Lloyd

Gareth Lloyd

Just to prove he really is a big kid...  Gareth came up with this!

Knock Knock...
Who's there?
I've dunnup...
I've dunnup who?
Have you - yuk!

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Rebecca Donovan

Making sure Drivetime presenter Roberto Perrone sounds good on air isn't always a bundle of laughs - but Rebecca certainly made us all laugh with her joke!

Rebecca Donovan

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing frogs in front of my eyes.

Doctor: Don't worry, it's a hoptical illusion.

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Jenna Benson

Working on the Nine O'Clock Show - Jenna's always ready with quick a one liner!!

Jenna Benson

Q: What is a monsters favourite song?

A: Ghouls, just wanna have fun!

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Katherine Boyle

Nine O'Clock Show presenter Katherine Boyle had us all splitting our sides with this one!

Katherine Boyle

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway...

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Phil Lack

Early Breakfast Show presenter Phil Lack dug deep to come up with this howler:

Phil Lack

There's a lady standing naked in front of a full length mirror.
She turns to her husband and says:
"I look fat! Pay me a compliment!"
Her husband turns around and says:
"Well, good to see your eyesight is pretty much perfect!"

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Roberto Perrone

Drivetime presenter thought long and hard before giving us his joke!

A man is in bed with his wife when there’s a knock, knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It’s half past three in the morning.
I will happily ignore that he thinks, and tries to go back to sleep.
However, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife who is also awake now.
Not wanting a row he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs and opens the door to be greeted by a man standing outside.
“Hey mate,” says the stranger, “Can you give me a push please?”
“You’re joking! It’s half past three in the morning. I was in bed fast asleep,” says the man and shuts the door.

Roberto Perrone

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
“That’s charming”, she says, “Don’t you remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way home, you had to knock at that house to get help?  What would have happened if they had refused us?”
“OK, OK” he says in resignation, and gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door but can’t see the stranger anywhere.  So he shouts, “Hello, do you still want a push?”

In the distance a voice cries out, “Yes please.”
Still unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
“Over here, on the swings.”

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Euan Duncan

Three Counties Radio's sports reporter Euan came up with this gem!

Euan Duncan

Q: What happened when the blue ship collided with the green ship?

A: The sailors were all marooned !!

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Gill Gauntlett

Weekend presenter Gill reckons this is her favourite joke!

Gill Gauntlett

A man is looking through the local paper for a pet, and sees an advert for a talking dog for sale for £50.  He phones up the number and the guy on the other end says "Yes - come and have a look!"
As he pulls up outside the house the guy is washing his car...
"I've just phoned about your dog" says the man
"Oh yes - I'm just washing my car, but push the front door open, walk through the kitchen and the dog is out in the back garden" replies the guy.
So he walks through the house and into the back garden and sees a beautiful black flat coated retriever sitting there...
The man walks up the dog, strokes its head, and says "Ooo you're lovely! I wonder what your name is?"
The dog looks up at the man and says "My name's Rex"
Well the man is taken aback and says "I can't believe you can talk - tell me a bit about yourself!"
The dog replies: "Well I was in the army for a few years, and when they let me out of there I joined the navy.  I travelled round on the ships and saw the world!  Then when I came out of the navy I joined the police drugs squad and uncovered lots of drugs at airports and then they put me out to stud and as it happens I've actually fathered quite a few dogs who have gone on to become champions at Crufts... and now I find myself here today talking to you!  Who knows what the future holds for me?"
The man tells the dog: "Wait there Rex - I'll be back in a minute!"
He then runs through the house to the man who is now polishing his car and says: "That dog in the garden - I really want it!  Is it really only £50"
The guy puts down his cloth and says "Yes - £50 and the dog is yours"
"I definitely want it - I'll go to the bank and get the money now!" said the man "Just one question though - why is he so cheap?"
The guy looked at him and said... "He's a liar!"

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Luke Ashmead

And last but not least - we've saved the best joke till last....or so Luke reckons!

Luke Ashmead

Two cannibals were eating a clown....

One turned to the other and said: "Does this taste funny to you?"

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Can you help? If you've got a good joke for Tim email it to us now!!!

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last updated: 10/03/2009 at 11:23
created: 03/03/2009

You are in: Beds Herts and Bucks > Comic Relief > Have a laugh with Lorna!



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