Mum's the Word!
Happy New Year!
Mum's The Word: New Year Resolutions!
Local housewife and mother Jane Turley gives us her views on new year resolutions, diets, and family life!
Hey, it’s the New Year! Hooray!
Of course, I know this because Cadbury’s creme eggs are already in the shops.
Yes, whilst popping out for those last minute essentials on Christmas Eve (WD40, bin liners and the equivalent of my own weight in AA batteries in preparation for all those irritating “Battery not included” toys) I noticed a whole stack of the offending articles displayed at the end of the supermarket aisle. If that wasn’t enough the top box was half empty!
Are you starting yet another diet?
Who are these people buying Cadbury’s creme eggs over Christmas? Are they worried there’s going to be a rush on them at Easter so they’d better stock up early? If I applied such forward thinking to all my purchases I’d be buying a bikini in size 10 in January for the size I’m planning to be by June. Only planning and reality are somewhat different if you know what I mean. Yep, for as sure as I will be the same weight in the summer those eggs will be eaten by Boxing Day.
Nevertheless, I’m starting yet another diet as part of my New Year resolutions. However, I know the chances are it won’t work. Why is that? I have a theory. It’s because a diet requires me to starve myself until I start hallucinating about large chocolate bars covered with clotted cream and (discreetly) placed Walnut Whips whilst working out like a rabid sumo wrestler.
No can do; I’m over 40. One has to have some standards. (Double standards mainly.)
Probably the only diet that will work for me is one where I’m required to be handcuffed to a madman who’s pointing a loaded shotgun to my head and demanding my abstinence from tasty goodies under the threat of losing a body part. In fact, why hasn’t anyone thought of that diet before? It could be called “The Mad Axeman Instant Weight Loss Programme.” What’s more you wouldn’t necessarily have to employ a mad axeman you could just rub Ralgex on your husband’s bottom next time he complains of lower back pain. Believe me that definitely induces madness.
We could all Highland Fling our way to fitness!
Interestingly, the government has just launched an anti obesity campaign called Change4life. It’s an excellent idea as we all need to be aware of the personal and economic consequences of obesity. (Apparently the cost to the tax payer by 2050 will be £50bn.) However, I’m not sure that the government strategy of leading from the front by screwing up the economy so a lot of us won’t have the jobs or the assets to indulge in luxury foods by the end of the year is quite so good but hey, it’s the thought of that counts!
Perhaps Mr Brown could lead from the front in another way? May I suggest he produces a fitness DVD? Maybe he could pop on his kilt and we could all Highland Fling our way to fitness? I predict that sales of “Bopping like Brown” would be a no 1 best seller and furthermore if proceeds were donated to the NHS we would be able to look after those who found themselves unable to kick, flick and twirl as fast as Gordon.
Of course the proceeds from the rush on kilts, knee length socks and the Saturday night live show “Dancing with Tears in your Eyes” would boost the economy. I’m sure the world would eagerly pay for the television rights for such a feast. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if it led to a whole government inspired DVD collection including such treats as “Merriment with Mandelson” (stand up comedy), “Pottery with Prescott” (sit down slipware) and perhaps even “The Joy of Darling” (don’t ask.)
Still, I have a feeling that this year I might have more success with my diet because I have another man in my life. He’s young, handsome and absolutely gorgeous. Jealous, ladies? Do you want to know who he is?
What's your Wii Fit age??!!!
Yes, that’s right… my Wii Fit trainer!
We’ve been working out together on a regular basis. He’s fantastic! He never complains about his lack of breakfast, the walls reverberating or even that his cute little shorts need ironing. How great is that?
And guess what? I can view him from the front or the rear. (Umm… I quite like the rear view but keep that a secret will you? This is personal stuff.)
Now despite not doing rather well in the weigh-in (even after removing all my clothes, shaving off all my body hair and taking an overdose of Ex Lax) my Wii fit age came in at 6 years below my actual age! Obviously, this means I am still in my thirties which is what I’ve been telling people for years although no one believed me. But now I have the evidence; not only do I have the balance and poise of Nadia Comaneci but I also have a hot young stud!
In honour of the lovely David Tennant!
Unfortunately, my stud doesn’t have a name so after considering some possibilities like “Honey” (too sugary), “Darling” (Nope, induces financial nightmares of a sexual nature) and “Baby” (induces parenting nightmares.) I’ve come up with “The Doctor” or “Doc” for short as we’re now on intimate terms.
Of course, this is in honour of the lovely David Tennant who is being replaced by someone who can only be described as a “Junior Doctor.” I hope the youthful Matt Smith has been practicing with his stethoscope otherwise he may not be able to transfer his powers to his sonic screwdriver sufficiently well enough to impress mature mothers like myself who purchase Dr Who action figures in huge quantities. I’ll reserve judgement until I see young Matt in action but in the meantime I hope he doesn’t get lost in the tardis during rehearsals; I’ve heard those baby aisles are hard to find.
Well as January is the month of predictions I feel it is only fair that I should end on a few predictions of my own. I predict that;
1. Gordon Brown will buy shares in the Edinburgh Wool Mill clothing chain.
2. Tony Blair will publish a book entitled “Ha, ha, ha!” (Subtitled “Political Jokes.”)
3. Barack Obama will write a book entitled “Dreams I wish I never had.”
4. Alistair Darling will quit politics to pursue “other interests”.
5. John Prescott will bail out Waterford/Wedgwood and introduce his own range of extra large dinner plates.
So there you have it; my predictions for the year ahead.
Oh yes, I also predict I will now eat a Cadbury’s creme egg.
last updated: 08/01/2009 at 13:50
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